


Find your way back home

by Hopeful_Foolx



Series: OTP absolute cinnamon rolls [7]
Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Coma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know, Mindsharing, Nanotechnology, Poison, They are soft okay, borg technology, poisoned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:00:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25753963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeful_Foolx/pseuds/Hopeful_Foolx
Summary: Hugh is back on the Artifact and sees himself die, but how can he be in two places at once? Elnor is panicking and running away until the darkness drowns out the voices, but where is he? And why can't Hugh find him? Nothing is certain, nothing makes sense until it does. There is just one constant: Seven is going to kick both their asses for being so damn reckless lately.
Relationships: Elnor & Hugh | Third of Five, Elnor & Hugh | Third of Five & Seven of Nine, Elnor/Hugh | Third of Five
Series: OTP absolute cinnamon rolls [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667231
Kudos: 7





	1. Fire and Flood

**Author's Note:**

> Oooof, so. Hi, it's me, I'm a ghost now, death by exams, yey. But I wanted to post this for ages now and couldn't stop editing the first chapter, but now you'll get it! There is a chance for mistakes I overlooked because I read through it so many times, and I want to apologize beforehand for that. There is just a lot going on right now but writing kind of gives me back some life.  
> Aaaaanyway, I hope you'll enjoy this, again, I am not a native speaker and so all of the mistakes are mine :)

_ You are not meant to be here _

_ You can’t leave _

_ Why are you here? _

_ Elnor! _ _   
_ _ Where are you? Where Where where where…  _

_ We’ll never let you leave _

_ A scream, loud enough to rip his ears apart and he tries to scream himself, but he can’t find his voice. Please, he whispers, please let me go, let me go! But the voices keep coming, and the hands on his arm keep pulling, they pull and pull and pull him down, he tries to escape but can’t, an iron grip around his arm. No, they shout, no you can’t escape us, you can’t run away, there is nowhere to run, you can’t escape us, not ever _ _   
_ _ Let me go, let me go! He has no weapon, his hands are useless, he kicks and winds himself out of their grip, they send flashes of memories to his mind and he squeezes his eyes closed, this is not real, it’s not real, it can’t be real!  _

_ This is real _

_ You should not be here! Run!  _

_ We’ll never let you leave _

_ Run! Run away! Get out! _ _   
_ _ You can’t outrun us, you won’t ever be rid of us. We’re here, you are meant to be here…  _

_ Elnor, wash your hands, your father is waiting for you.  _

_ A scream, he knows who screams but this can’t be, it can’t be happening. Not now. Not ever. It’s over! His hands and knees meet the cold hard floor and he wakes up before realizing it. His clothes are soaked, his hair is wet, his head hurts and the tears drip onto his hand. A dream, a nightmare. His arm throbs and he looks to the side, but there is nothing, or maybe there is something and he just can’t see it. He doesn’t want to be here, he should, in fact, not be here. Here. Where is ‘here’? He needs to run, someone told him to run, he trusts the voice more than anyone else even if he can’t place it, curtains fly around him, tangling his legs, he nearly falls, scrapes his knees and gets up again, running faster now,  _

_ Run! _

_ And a voice calls for him, asks to wait, but he just runs, he doesn’t trust the voice as much as he trusts the other one, or maybe running is just what he would have done either way. The corridors are endless, the doors just lead to doors, the rooms so familiar and one more frightening than the other. He runs past them, stops, doesn’t understand because time is wrong and it happens agonizingly slow and too fast to see at the same time. He runs past windows and people, stops and sees and screams and runs and runs and runs and runs- _

_ It’s only when total darkness surrounds him that he stops. _

* * *

Hugh presses his face to the cold metal-wall. His neck hurts, his throat throbs, but the pain turns into a sharp sting, he feels a hand press onto the cut, so tiny, so much damage. He is going to die - he knows that he is going to die, he dies here and now on the floor, trying to get some last words out, trying to say something to make it easier for Elnor when there is nothing that could. He closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see it, so he doesn’t have to see Elnor’s face when it is really what he wants to look at. He knows his eyes are closed, so tightly squeezed shut that he sees stars behind the eyelids, but the same moment, he sees Elnor’s shocked face, feels his warm hand on his. They both know what is going to happen, the desperation is what they both feel, Hugh doesn’t fear dying, but he can’t leave his people, and yes, he is afraid to die, he lies to himself in saying he is not and it’s only the xBs, but it is the xBs and he is afraid, he is terrified. Elnor is too. Elnor fears being alone. Elnor already sees himself at fault, Elnor wishes somebody else was here and could help, could do something. Like a child wishing for a grown-up to come for help, when they are both not children anymore and he wishes, he wishes and wishes…    
Nobody is coming, Seven will come but Hugh will be dead by then and she is not here and she is not even coming-

_ This is not real _ someone whispers and he presses his cheek to the metal wall harder to not hear it, trying to make himself not hear anything, so he doesn’t listen, one hand on the cut, the other covering his ear, he doesn’t want to listen, to hear, to feel the floor under him when the wall is behind- no, that is wrong. The wall is not the floor. He is on the floor, dying, then how can he be here? 

“How’s this for a lost cause?” He hears himself say it but doesn’t do so. He doesn’t utter a word, yet the figure on the floor does. He is the figure on the floor. But at the same time, he is not. There is no blood on his hand when he pulls it away from his neck, and the pain vanishes when he does it, still he sees himself and Elnor at the same time. It makes him dizzy, how how how...

THIS IS NOT REAL is written on the back of his hand in big black letters, his own handwriting. THIS IS NOT REAL in accurate letters, all the same size. THIS IS NOT REAL because he needs to remind himself for some reason… THIS IS NOT REAL because it is not… For a reason, it’s not. 

“Elnor” he whispers when he gets his thoughts together, out of breath and his voice shaking as much as he is, “Elnor, I have to make sure…” What was it? Something important, something so important… He closes his eyes when he hears himself talk again - is this really his voice? Or no, had it been? Past and present blur together, but the question remains - why? Why is this not real? Why is he on the floor and around the corner at the same time? This is not real, but what is it instead then? His head hurts, he tries to put together what is happening and what happened before, tries and tries and-

The room practically spits him out, the Artifact and its dark hallways are gone and it’s light, but he does not do more than just notice that it’s different, head between his hands and curled on the sandstone, Hugh makes himself as small as possible when memories and pictures flood his mind, some his own, some not, some he is not sure who they belong to. He holds his head as if his hands alone can keep them away, but they can’t, he is helpless and it hurts, he is so dizzy he wants to scream. The sensation of falling is engulfing him, but he can’t fall, can he? He can’t fall when he is on the floor, unmoving, tears on his face, mixed with sweat and he died, there was blood but there is none now, is there? The desperation Elnor felt, how utterly alone he was afterwards. Hugh knows these feelings too well, but they hit him with full force when it’s not only his own. Why is it not his own? The dizziness gets worse, he tries to concentrate but-

falls anyway.

* * *

_ It is strange to see Hugh dressed in something light. For as long as Elnor knows him, and it is not that long, actually, he wore black, back on the Artifact and then on la Sirena too. Even if he seemed more casual on the ship, and not as tightly wound as before, it had always been black and long sleeves. Even on this fairly warm planet, nothing had really changed. Black. Long sleeves.  _

_ It’s still long sleeves, he notices, but still, light. Beige-brown, normal for here. Everyone here wears light colors, and Hugh and Elnor both stuck out with blue and black - also in general, he couldn’t fail to notice that.  _

_ For a second, the image is replaced with a different one - one he can’t place except for belonging to a nightmare, Hugh back on the metal floor in the hallway, flickering lights all around them, dying and dead, bleeding out and Elnor almost feels- _

_ “Why are you looking at me like that?” He notices too late that he may have made him uncomfortable with staring, but snaps back to reality. It didn’t happen. His hands are not covered in blood, and Hugh is wearing light clothes with none either. _

_ “I have never seen you wearing anything than black, and I don’t know how to tell you that I like it” He sees Hugh do the gesture with his hands again, he never really knows what to do with them and now it’s even more obvious, he waves them around, then presses them together, then waves at the space next to him. They are a good distance away from the edge, he notices, maybe Hugh is afraid of heights after all.  _

_ “You… you just did, and… thank you? It wasn’t really a choice, they were just… there. I thought it is a thing, but since you are wearing your own clothes, I am not so sure anymore” That is something he would know if they still shared a room, something Elnor could have spared him the question from. They don’t share a room. _

_ “I took them from the ship” he admits quietly, “I would have taken yours too, but… you don’t have any” Hugh frowns but nods then as Elnor sits down next to him. There is nothing really to see, but Elnor didn’t come here for the view, he didn’t come here for anything in particular except for the need for company. Specific company. Hugh’s company is so much easier, and nothing he asks, nothing he says gets a snarky remark. Even if, yes, Hugh can be sarcastic, but he explains himself and by now, Elnor can recognize his tone of voice when he is being sarcastic. The face he makes. He learns to read Hugh in that matter. Until now, no question he asked wasn’t answered. No theory not discussed, no thought judged. That they don’t always understand each other is clear to both of them, it’s no problem because they can work with that. It’s interesting. Everyone acts like they were so much older, Hugh isn’t. It’s why he come here for the company, to calm down. And that’s all there is to it - he has to calm down. Think, meditate, the flashes will stop then. They have to, if they don’t - even if they don’t, he wouldn’t want to talk to anyone else about it for now. Maybe to Seven of Nine, but he can’t read her like he can with the others by now.  _

* * *

“Stop, please!” someone whimpers the words but he doesn’t realize that it’s him until he tastes the tears on his tongue. No, this is not his own memory. This is how it started, however. But not his view, it’s Elnor’s, and it hurts to see himself like Elnor sees him, because he knows what is coming and he knows the mistake he made, he doesn’t want to see himself react through Elnor’s eyes, no, it’s bad enough how it is - and when he opens his eyes, it’s not himself in front of him anymore, it’s Elnor, and the dizziness gets a little better when it’s just him.

* * *

_ “I could have taken some from the Artifact, but it didn’t feel right. It’s been a long time since I had to… choose. And from then on, it’s been… mostly medically enhanced clothing, as plain as possible, to fit in. Uniforms. It doesn’t feel right anymore, though” It takes a moment of silence until Hugh finds himself talking again. Elnor is unusually quiet, Hugh is rarely the one talking on these occasions, but he feels the need to fill the silence. _

_ “I don’t understand”  _

_ “It was… Important on the Artifact, to show who you are, who you belong to. But the xBs don’t belong anywhere. We traded one queen for another, and while it was slightly better… it ended up hurting us in the end too. I don’t want to wear a uniform anymore. I don’t know where I am supposed to belong. What I should do” Elnor leans back on the bench and with the sunlight, Hugh now sees how he looks. He’s seen Elnor tired, but it’s been days since the incident, and he looks exhausted. Shadows are under his eyes, almost as if he were ill. But he isn’t right? A pang of anxiety makes itself known in his chest - what if it’s the Nanos? But no. It can’t be, if they were, the symptoms would be different. Not like this. Or maybe? How would he know? _

_ “You belong with them, it fills me with sadness, but you do. You see it as your duty, and you already said you would go wherever they went” He shoves the thought aside for now. They are all tired. He can ask Elnor about it later, when it’s more than just an anxiety-muddled idea. Right now it is just that - not more. Contrary to Elnor, he can’t just voice his thoughts unfiltered how they are. When he does, it’s just a mess, most times he doesn’t even have words for what he is thinking. Remarkable, really.  _

_ “Even now? I don’t know how to help them, not even how to start over. I should talk to Seven about it, but she already did so much and… She lost someone. I don’t want to drag her into this more than I already have” _

_ “Wouldn’t the xBs be better off dead then?” Hugh’s head snaps to the side. Elnor isn’t even looking at him, just at the sky, his eyes half-closed. Did he hear it wrong? Is that not Elnor?  _

_ “I’m sorry?!” It already comes out sharper than he anticipated. Maybe he heard it wrong, surely he did, there is no way- _

_ “No, I’ve just been thinking - when you say that they don’t belong anywhere, with no home, and no help” _

_ “How can you say that?! In case you forgot, I am one of them, Seven is too - if you really think that way, would you rather have her dead too then?!” He goes from calm to louder in a heartbeat. _

_ “No, I don’t mean-” They are all tired, Hugh is exhausted, he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t sleep well and he can’t think, he is worried about the xBs, he is worried about everything and he already missed Elnor when he even thinks about leaving - he is not in the best shape to hear the words and process them the way he should, with patience and calmness, no, he sees red the minute he hears it and that is why he doesn’t even let Elnor explain himself. _

_ “What? After all you’ve seen, after all… that happened, how can you possibly say such a thing?” It makes no sense - none at all, because Elnor decided to stay, to not it happen again, his own words. He decided, himself, that he wanted to make sure the xBs got to safety. Why when he now talks like this? Why when he now acts as if the exact opposite were the case? Why did he say words about love when he is not supposed to lie? Did all of this change? All of the sudden? Because yesterday, everything had been fine and now? He cuts off another try to explain from Elnor with a gesture of his hand. He can’t listen to this, why would he? Nothing could make it better, nothing at all!  _

_ “You should have let me dying on the Artifact, just to get it over with. Would I be better off dead in your opinion then too?” He gets up but again, doesn’t give Elnor time to answer, “no, don’t answer that. I don’t need to know” _

_ And he leaves.  _

* * *

His memories are hazy after that, but again he feels how they are not his own or at least not entirely so. He knows he went on a walk after that, and he knows he found ways to avoid Elnor for the rest of the day. He should have known, oh how he should have known…

But it stops. He is back in his own body, his own mind. Like a thread to reality, whatever reality makes him relive all of this. Slowly, his senses come back to him. The dizziness lessens, and he lets go of his head. Like an echo it aches, but less when he looks around. He doesn’t get up, though. Moves slowly, carefully, turns his head to the side. The floor is hard but he doesn’t feel up to moving more just yet. If this is not real, then why is he exhausted? Looking around at least reveals that he is in a room, another one with a lot of doors, he thinks “another one” as if he’s seen it before. He has. The sand-colored stone under his fingers is warm, and he can’t see the ceiling. Maybe there is none. He wipes tears and sweat from his face and sees the words on his hand again, smudged now. THIS IS NOT REAL. What did  _ they _ say? He needs to be careful which door he opens, if he gets lost in his own memories, even worse, in the ones he forgot, he might not know that this is not real. He might forget. They told him to beware of their shared memories too. They. The person he met, but he only vaguely remembers. Memories. Knowledge. Is this what this place is? Is this the reason he felt the need to write THIS IS NOT REAL on his hand? There is a sense of urgency behind that. He needs to hurry. To- 

He stumbles to his feet, too sudden, too fast, too panicky. A red curtain hides another door and he doesn’t think before falling through it.

* * *

_ Elnor can’t find Hugh for the rest of the day. He tries, of course. He searches every single room and even waits in front of his for some time, just hoping to get a chance to talk, to explain. The longer he can’t find him, the worse his fear becomes - what if something happened? What if the warmth hurt him? The images keep coming back, he turns a corner and flinches back, just for then to be nothing on the floor a second later.  _ What is happening?

_ He didn’t sleep well - and that is all that it’s about. It can pass. The uneasy feeling is because Hugh is angry with him, which is already bad enough.  _

_ “Elnor?” His head snaps to the side  _ and so does Hugh’s _ , “Elnor, where are you hiding again?” It can’t be. It can’t be, she can’t be here. Oh he wishes she was. Nights he spent wishing she was with him, all the moments he maintained her fading memory. Not only hers, the memory of his parents, of his friends who died in the fire. The fire he still has a scar from. The fire that had been so much more but calling it simply a fire made it easier for him. _

_ She can’t be here, because she died when he was a child. Along with all of the people he loved then. _

_ “I am not” He whispers it and hears a child say it too. _

_ “Elnor… Answer me, come down from there right now or-” _

_ “No, no no no no-” he turns around, stumbles back and against the wall - sees a glimpse of her coat.  _ Who is dead? Hugh follows him with a little bit of distance. Can Elnor see him? He feels like he should know the answer, but it’s out of reach for now.

_ “You’re dead, I know you are-” He can’t keep her eyes off her when she stands right in front of him a moment later, so close but so far away, she is not clear, washed out and she keeps talking _

_ “There you are! Now come, you need to clean your hands before-”  _

_   
_ _ “You died” he whisper-shouts this time and falls backwards when a door opens, did he make it to the door? He doesn’t look, he just stumbles backwards, away from the apparition, away because he can’t, this can’t be, he is losing his mind and-  _

“Argh” Hugh steadies himself on the wall or tries too, the painful dizziness overtakes him once again

_ He hears a surprised yelp when he runs someone over and they both fall to the floor - he presses his hands to his ears in trying to drown out her voice, but it’s still there, it’s still there and it doesn’t go, she is still there even if he can’t see her, she can’t be here - she keeps calling his name, chasing him and he runs as best as he can, too slow, bumps into walls because no, no no no no-  _

_ He still hears her voice when he sinks down some wall, presses his knees up to his chest  _

Hugh sees himself scramble to his feet to follow him, but then it’s not him anymore and then again it is him who he sees, but he sees Elnor too-

* * *

“Stop! I need my own memories! Not his!” He is back in the sandroom. This time, he keeps standing, the dizziness leaves when he breathes slowly. It’s confusing, his brain can’t catch up with feelings and sensations from two people at once. They help, of course, they help him understand but they also drain him and for some reason, he can’t have that. Hugh finds himself in the room with the doors again. Another one or the same, he doesn’t know. The doors are covered in cloth, and he vaguely remembers that he had been here before. Not long ago. He knows what this is now, partly, but that is not even important. He is here for a reason, he has to find Elnor. Just find him in a different way - because how he found him before is how all of this started, and he shivers when he remembers. But he needs to remember all of it, not only parts. Not only scenes, too vague to help. There is more. He can’t open the doors until he knows why he is here again, it’s all that matters. He needs the whole story.

  
“Where are you…?” He looks around again, another red curtain. He needs to find Elnor. A distant part of him remembers why, but despite that he knows that it is important. So important. But where is he? How is Hugh supposed to find him in this mix of hallways, rooms and doors? Can he be behind every curtain? Does he wait for Hugh to come for him, and if that is the case, then where are the leads? There have to be leads, any leads. He looks at the next door, a black one, metal, warm, buzzing in his mind, maybe this is it? Or the one next to it, with a very fine curtain before it, white wood? Another one has a door handle and is red, the thick curtain pushed aside, it’s red, is this where he is supposed to go?

“Elnor, where are you?” His hand is on the door handle when,

“Don't” He spins around at the familiar voice. 

“You are desperate. Desperation only leads to the places you have already been before, not further” The person. He recognizes them, somehow. They are the one who told him about the doors, warned him about getting lost. The first person he met here. They don’t look fully solid, and familiar in an unsettling way, parts of which he recognizes, parts he don’t. Someone mixed a lot of people together to make a new one, and this is them. With Beverly's hair, and Picard’s clothes, they have an implant over their eye that Hugh recognizes as his own, and some on their fingers like the remnants Seven has there. Their eyes are a mechanical blue, but the rest?   
“You need to find him!” Yes, he already got that himself, and they are not helpful, not helpful at all! 

“I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what is even happening!” He is louder and sounds more exasperated than he intends to. But he already is a mess, so why hide it? He can’t really hide anything from them anyway, even though he doesn’t know why he knows that.

“You know what is happening, you just need to focus. You saw a memory, what was it?” Of course it had been a memory. Just not his. Like before, the fight, it wasn’t his own memory at first - it was Elnor’s. He needs to focus, they are right. Concentrate. What does he know? 

“Elnor saw… things that can’t be true. His mother, but she died. It terrified him, and he ran away to escape because he did not understand.” Hugh doesn’t understand either, the more he tries to grasp it the more it flees, and that exasperation nearly lets him snap at them, “I know it is a damn  _ memory _ , I just don’t know what is happening to him and why!” 

“You do know. Calm yourself, recall. The fight you had” Their voice is sharp and somehow it helps, helps him to snap into focus, it’s familiar too.

“I didn’t know what to do afterwards, I reacted too harshly - he always asks, and I always let him. Questions don’t hurt. It’s not his fault, and even less now. He had… nightmares. But did not talk about it” They shake their head and come closer, they are his exact height and just stare in his eyes.

“Yes, but that is not the concern now! He dreamed of the Artifact, of you dying, and his family dying. That is not important. His mental shields are shattered, and  _ you know why,  _ that is what you need” Suddenly, he knows their voice. It shifts in between, between several ones, they sounded like Riker and like Geordi but like somebody he did not know in between, now they sound like Narissa. 

“Because… Because…” He tries to recall, and it’s there, it’s there but out of reach. 

“Then let me show you” Their hand is cold against his when they lead him to a different door. It’s not behind a red curtain. 

“It’s a shared memory, so be careful. Stay behind the door, don’t get closer. Come back when you remember. You can’t find your friend when you are too shaken yourself, but if you lose yourself again like you just did, then I won’t be able to help you again” 

And he falls into the scene without even opening the door.

* * *

_ Elnor is chalk-white where he leans at the wall in his room. Hugh is careful to approach him. His eyes are squeezed shut and Hugh is surprised he can still breathe with how tightly his knees are pressed against his chest. Every argument is forgotten for now, every Problem they had unimportant. Especially from before.  _ At least one thing I did right, he thinks to himself.

_ “It hurts”  _ Hugh needs to take a deep breath, how it happens doubled in his mind makes him dizzy, the whole scene does. The door is behind him, even if he can neither feel or see it. This is not real, he reminds himself, this is not real.

_ “What hurts, Elnor?” He is slowly getting closer, but Elnor flinches away and so he stops. This is new, of course, most things between them are new, but this is especially. _

_   
_ _ “I am… I am so scared, please, help me, Hugh, I am… I’m losing my mind” This scares Hugh more than the scenery before him _ , he remembers and closes his eyes. It has already happened. He is here to help. This had been real, it’s not anymore. He is trying to fix it, but he needs to remember first. As hard as it is for him. 

_ “What do you mean? Talk to me, I’m right here” Hugh inches closer and extends a hand, which gets Elnor to actually look at him for a moment. He doesn’t flinch away. _

_ “I don’t know if you are real or not” He is making sure Elnor can see his hand at all times, before putting it on his cheek. It’s cold. Elnor feels far too cold for a planet like this, too cold for him in any case.  _ It’s hard to not step forward himself. He always knows the next seconds, but not how it ends anymore. Or does he? No. It’s not real, and when he tries to skip forwards, he’ll make it harder again. It’s not real, but he himself is. It’s almost ironically how his other self seems to have the same thought.

_ “I am real. Can I come closer?” Elnor takes a moment to answer, but when he does, his reaction is imminent. Like before, when they were still on the ship, he lurches forward and wraps his arms around Hugh. It’s not the first time, and with every time it happens, Hugh is less surprised by it and able to react faster. He is fast enough to return the hug now,  _ and the real Hugh feels it too. He wants to hug even tighter than he did then, to say that everything will be alright again even if he doesn’t know that yet. He wants to tell him that he is here, in this strange place, with him so that he can give him a sign, any sign, about where he is. He wants to know, and he needs to know. How is he supposed to find Elnor?! But the same question… how did he find him in here? He ran him over, that is how. But why had he been in the hallway in the first place?

_ “It’s okay, you can talk to me, we’ll figure it out” _

_ “I can’t, and you are upset, is this real? Because I don’t know, I don’t know what is now and what was then and what is real and what not”  _

_ “We had a fight, yes, but it’s okay for now, you are not well, we can talk about it later” This seems to set something off, because Elnor holds even tighter and shakes his head, he is terrified,  _ Hugh feels his fear in his own body, in the way his heart races and the way he wants to cry himself. This is not the Elnor he knows, but at the same time, this is not the Elnor, Elnor himself knows, which makes it even more terrifying. The view he has is from both of them, but he manages as long as he says it in his mind, over and over again, that this is not real, that it already happened. That he is here to fix this. 

_ “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way, I would never want you or them to die, I was just thinking, I didn’t mean to upset you, please, I’m sorry-” His voice gives out in between  _ and Hugh sees himself close his eyes, he knows he knows he knows and even more, he understands.

_ “I know”  _

_   
_ _ “I would never have left you there I-” Hugh carefully moves a hand from his back to his hair. It’s hesitant, he is not sure if he is overstepping boundaries, but then again, touch has been their constant for as long as they know each other now.  _

_ “I know, Elnor, it’s alright. I should know better, you were just asking a question and I… I know you wonder out loud. And I know you would never mean it that way, I just needed some space for that. We’ll talk about this when you are better, for now I need you to tell me what’s wrong” Memory- _ Hugh is scared, Elnor is terrified, and the real Hugh looks down to his hand because THIS IS NOT REAL, it already happened. He can’t change it. He can make it better, maybe. He feels Elnor’s confusion concerning Hugh’s question, for him telling that all of it feels wrong seems enough. He did not understand then, he does now. The same way everything feels too real or too wrong here, it felt for Elnor then. How did that even work? How could he be half in his memories and half in the real world? 

_ “Help me, please, it’s wrong, it’s all wrong” _

_ “What is wrong? Can you stand? We should get you looked over-” _

_ “No!” Elnor still clings to him, even when Hugh gets up and in the process also helps Elnor to his unsteady feet, “Please, don’t leave, don’t go away”  _

_ “I won’t go anywhere, I promise. But something is wrong, we should find you a doctor” Elnor is stumbling, for all of his training and grace he looks almost clumsy when they slowly make their way over to the bed. It’s only three steps but Elnor is shaking which makes all of it harder. _

_ “Is there anything else? Could you be ill?” He tries to look at all the possibilities before he considers the Nanos, and they would connect Elnor to the others - not let him… see things. A fever would do that, and frankly, Hugh knows exactly at what point now, but Elnor is not burning up, on the contrary, he is freezing cold. _

_ “I am not sick, I am… Don’t leave me alone” Hugh presses his lips together. For now, he’d do anything to make Elnor less upset. To get him to rest, to calm down. Touch seems to aid that, at least. _

_ “Okay” He looks over to the window where he can see the sun slowly setting. Is it even called a sun here? Priorities, right, “We’ll get you changed into something comfortable and warm, and then you’ll try to sleep. I’ll stay here the entire time, no matter what. I’ll be here” he slowly explains, not sure if Elnor really understands. _ _   
_ He does, Hugh now notices. When the panic slowly subsided to a level he could actually think straighter again, he understands. He even lets go of Hugh when he goes to fetch sleeping clothes and a few more blankets, but Hugh gets changed in the bathroom. Even now, Hugh wants to look away, has the feeling that this is too private, he has seen Elnor without a shirt before but now it feels like spying. Before he can turn away, however, he sees it. Thick blue lines, covering Elnor’s shoulder and half of his back. He doesn’t notice, and his clothes completely cover it, but they are there. And he feels them, Elnor feels them, somehow. He feels that there is something so fundamentally wrong, he feels that his arm hurts. But why? 

_ The moment Hugh is next to him on the bed, Elnor cuddles close. It’s not too unusual, but also not normal, still, Hugh just pulls the blankets up and quietly talks to him, until  _ Hugh can feel him calm down. It takes a long time, fighting against sleep and the darkness that goes with it. Darkness? Why darkness? And the moment Hugh knows Elnor is asleep, the dizziness stops, and he is alone.

* * *

* * *

Seven of Nine is used to being pissed off. It’s more a way of life than a mood at this point, but right now, whatever scale she used to measure it needs a new format. It took her five minutes to get out of the room  _ somebody _ locked her in, and if he really did what he told her he would do, then… 

“I am going to kill you” she mumbles when she sees the scene through the glass door. It’s Elnor’s room, and the kid himself is still in his bed, still dressed in his sleeping clothes. For a moment she hopes that she is wrong, that for some reason, Hugh just did not do it, that how she can’t see him is a good sign. She does, however, spot him before even finishing the thought. He is slumped halfway to the side in an armchair next to the bed, not visible from her point of view until she enters and even then she sees mostly hair. His hand is on Elnor’s wrist, and both of them have a very familiar looking black device on their temples. To her credit, Soji doesn’t startle when the door flies open. 

“Take him out, cut off that link, right now” She demands.

“I can’t, he asked me not to and I can’t just…” She has a PADD in her hand, but it doesn’t look like she can control anything. It doesn’t look like any of this is up to her at all, she monitors them, but nothing more. Seven knows her anger is not    
  
“Switch it off then!”    
  
“I can’t!” She knows Soji can’t do it. That’s the problem, when Hugh came to her, confessing that it had been the Nanos that saved Elnor a few days before and only telling her because his plan had been to use them, she knew it could work. Could, being the important word here. It could work, without any guarantee that either of them, let alone both, would ever wake up. Say what you want about her, but she does care. Too much, she cared too much about the damn crew that disconnected her from the collective, she cared too much about the children, the xBs, and look where it got her. Here again. She can’t lose them, not one of them, especially not both. While she knows Hugh longer than she knows the kid, it doesn’t really matter. Both of them are too damn close to her now. If it were her going in there and meddling with Elnor’s mind, she would take that risk in the blink of an eye, but Hugh was faster. And it’s really not like she could do it herself without preparations. She lacks what Hugh has, his Nanos, which now both of the unconscious kids share. And yes, she calls them kids in her mind because to her, they are, and even if they are not, they sure as hell behave like stubborn and foolish children. 

“I’m sorry” She nearly forgot that Soji is also still in the room. 

“Okay. Then tell me how they are and what exactly I can do to keep both of them alive to kick their asses later” And with that, she sits down. 

* * *

* * *

The door falls closed behind him when Hugh exits the room. 

“How could I forget?” He says it more to himself than to them and leans forward, hands on his knees, head down. If he panics now, he’ll likely lose every knowledge he had before, if he panics, he’ll get stuck as Elnor likely got stuck here too.

“You entered a shared memory on the Artifact, the most traumatic shared memory you could have entered. It was both of you in there for a moment, two Elnors, two of you. You lost track of what is real and what is not for a moment, and that is already enough. You nearly lost yourself, but right now, you are finding. Don’t worry. Just go on, tell me everything you know” Their voice is a lot softer now, but he doesn’t dwell on whose they use.

“He was frightened, I didn’t know what to do. I thought he might be ill, so I stayed” It takes shape in his mind as he says it.

“That is not the whole truth” It’s not. He had been worried for more reason than just one, that Elnor could simply be ill only occurred to him at first - it’s the least likely option, but the only one that could be resolved easily. 

“I was scared it’s the Nanos. That they… That they’d do something to him, or already did” But it had not been them. The Nanos did something else, something good. If he could just remember...

“Yes”

“But what then? Something must have happened, or I wouldn’t be here” He looks around again. The doors have changed.

“You know what this is then” And yes, he knows. It’s so obvious that he doesn’t understand how he could ever forget, and even if he forgot, how he could not get it. 

“Our memories, our minds, we are linked together, I don’t remember how, but we are” 

“It’s not that hard” He will never not recognize Seven saying this exact sentence, but it’s not the voice that clears the fog, it’s how they look at him. It’s not important, he is asking the wrong question. 

“What matters is that  _ we are _ , in fact, linked. The doors are memories, his and mine, and the red doors our shared ones. A red curtain in front of a door is the sign I need to go there” 

“But why?” They know exactly why, it’s Hugh who needs to remember.

“I know it has something to do with the Nanos, and the Artifact, and how he got hurt there. But it’s not the Nanos trapping him here” 

“No” Their voice is firm, makes him wonder what exactly it is about the Nanos that makes them react in that way. He turns to the doors. Red for shared memories. Shared memories like on the Artifact. What did they say? That it had been two of himself, but two Elnor’s too?

“It’s something else and I don’t know how to find out what it is” 

“You don’t have to, it’s all done. It all happened already. The knowledge is there, you just need to reach for it” They touch him, actually touch him this time. No door, no falling, no dizziness. Just their hand like ice, and he is gone.

* * *

In his own memories, he is himself. He is not half a ghost in the corner, he can’t change what he does, but he relives all of it. In his own memories, he is still a silent viewer, but in his own body. He sees what he saw before, he feels what he felt before, both in sensation and feelings. It’s different, and not quite as confusing, dizzying and painful. In his own memories, he feels what he felt then and more. How did he not notice the details sooner? How did he not realize? Why? 

_ “Elnor?” He gently shakes his shoulder. His skin still feels cold, even with the blankets and Hugh being warm. Too warm, actually, “Elnor, wake up” Another shake, and still no reaction.  _

_ “We need to find you a doctor” He carefully untangles himself from blanket and friend, not as carefully as he could be, still hoping Elnor wakes up. His skin doesn’t feel clammy, just cold, not just cool but actually  _ cold _. So cold that Hugh checks twice if he is, in fact, still breathing, if there is any color in his face. It’s not right, however. He feels that it is wrong, that there is something he is missing,  _ he knows what it is now, but can’t change it, he can’t change the outcome. Is this what drives the victims crazy? Being in their own bodies and not able to change anything? Because if it is, he gets it. What if he had walked into a wrong memory in his confusion earlier? What if he had seen himself being assimilated once more? What if he saw who he was before, something he doesn’t know but a memory that is most definitely still here?

_ “Elnor, please” he shakes him again and stops, when he sees it. It’s only visible because Elnor’s tunic is already half open.  _ Only now he asks himself, had it been there before? Already when they talked, when Hugh left him, because now he knows it had been there when he found him in this room. Had it been there and nobody noticed?

_ “What the…” He carefully pries the cloth away from his arm. Dark blue lines, fine like a spiderweb and getting thicker towards the middle, towards a long blue cut. It’s halfway healed on his upper arm, or at least it looks like it, if there wasn’t the web. How could he not see it before? It extends from his shoulder on, partly to his back, partly towards his torso. His breathing quickens, what is this? When did it happen? He vaguely remembers Elnor getting cut on the Artifact, by Narissa, but this? It looks like poison. Would she poison her knifes?  _

Hugh decided he’s seen enough.

* * *

With a gasp he is back in the sandroom, staring at Them and getting his thoughts in order. Of course, that is what happened - he had been there, stayed with Elnor because he feared he could have nightmares and because he cares and because he missed him. And he had missed this, it’s ridiculous, but these last few days, no, he isnt’ used to sleeping alone anymore. 

“She did. But it’s not really a poison, we tested it. Romulans use it for a very extreme form of meditation, they confront themselves with their own darkest memories. It’s not used by many because it drives most people insane, by the time the drug reaches the heart, it’s too late. The victim will be trapped in their mind until they surpassed all their demons, which gets harder every moment. Once started, it’s almost impossible to get the victim out” Almost. Because standing in between all those memories, it can’t be impossible.

“What else?” They look more like a strict teacher in that moment, close to before, just that now, he knows he is close and doesn’t need them nagging.

“Soji told us, the Tal Shiar use it as a torture device on their prisoners. We thought they might also have an antidote for that then, it would make sense after all, and went looking through the databases for one. Seven reached out to her contacts, but…” Almost a day passed like this. Almost a day is what they lost.

“But it took you too long” 

“Yes” He looks at her, surprised by himself, “I found a different way around it” They laugh at that and he feels their cold hand on his temple for a moment, falling the next, but he can’t quite believe what he sees this time.

When he stumbles a step backwards in the hallway, his face is hot, he knows what to do, he found a way around it and that’s why he is here. It was easy all along, he didn’t dare to do it but then did anyway. He needs to catch his breath, he didn’t actually run but it sure feels like it, because he did it, he actually did it! He can’t believe it himself, nor will anyone else surely, but he trusted himself on this for the first time and he  _ did it _ . With help from Soji. This is where they are - this is why this is not real. Because he is not here, his mind is here, connected to Elnor’s. Both of them are still on the planet, still in the city even, in one of the laboratories. And something else he knows when he looks at their questioning face. They know, they still need him to say it.

“Seven is going to actively murder me” He pants and leans against the next wall, laughing despite all odds.


	2. Why can't we turn the page?

_ With everyone busy in their own fields of work, Hugh decided to stay out of the way very soon. Since it’s not the Nanos, he can’t do much except for keeping Elnor company, and so he does. At first, he only stays in the same room, in a chair, but climbs into bed with him after ten minutes. Elnor is still cold, according to their databases it’s a side effect, supposed to reduce body functions to a bare minimum - that doesn’t mean Hugh has to like it. Sometimes others come looking after them, but after a short time, they are mostly alone. They cut the rest of the cloth away, and the web is open in all its terrifying glory. The lines look deeper now, vibrant blue. It’s getting dark outside at some point, but Hugh isn’t tired. Or he is, but doesn’t intend to sleep. To say that he isn’t tired would be a lie. Everything is tiring, reading through all of their research about nanotechnology again is tiring, finding nothing even more. He is tired of trying and failing to find anything, something. Tired tired tired. It gives him something to do, at least, it gives him something to act on. What would he do if there was nothing? How would he feel? _

_ But he gets it now, something he never really understood - but all other seemed to get. _

_ “It helps, as strange as it sounds. It really helps” he mumbles when he is sure that nobody else is near. It still feels not quite right, but god it helps.  _

_ “We can scratch the possibility that you are going to be aphasic after this from the list. Also, while this is affecting your brain, the nanos wouldn’t be able to help. I know we established two hours ago, but I need to remind myself. They can’t just… neutralize poison” What could neutralize the poison is an antidote, which they don’t have. And frankly, Hugh doesn’t believe there is one. Of course it would make sense, but that doesn’t mean anything at all. It would have also made sense for the Romulans to not help with the Artifact when they hate artificial life so much - likely there is a plan behind all of it that he just doesn’t understand. But why Elnor? How does that work out? Not at all. He looks to the side where Elnor hasn’t moved and puts the PADD aside. He has seen Elnor sleep before, watched him even. Elnor is awake before Hugh most times, but these last days, Hugh actually got up before him. Not entirely of his own will - not at all, actually. He hates getting up early, sleep is a luxury, so human, so seperating from the Borg. But for some reason, he has trouble falling asleep alone here. When he does, eventually, he wakes often and too early. But Elnor didn’t say anything, Hugh wanted to bring the topic up, but then… this happened. They still don’t know what they are, but Hugh just assumed they should figure it out by themselves first, and for that they needed space. For him at least it helped, it’s a longer talk they need to have, and not an easy one, but made slightly better by the fact that he now knows. Understands now.  _

_ “At least it’s not the Artifact. We wouldn’t know what is wrong there, so we are at least in the right place” Because on the Artifact, all of this happened. Elnor got hurt there, he injected him with the Nanos. He still doesn’t understand how Elnor just let him, just understood. How he wasn’t angry at all. Now he is just lying next to him, cold, so cold. Hugh has his free hand on his arm, sometimes absentmindedly stroking it. He is too short to reach for his hand without moving it, and he won’t move him, not even his hand. Later, when he gives in and puts the PADD away, the light long gone and his eyes hurting even with the advanced vision, he even dares to slide under the covers next to Elnor. Because he is so cold, his skin feels like ice when he lays his head on his shoulder, and Hugh feels like he is missing something, he needs a break, he needs to focus later on. Elnor always liked the contact, the touch, he held onto Hugh for dear life before all of this started, and Hugh isn’t going to let him down now. A tiny part of him hopes, just glimmering hopes that it might wake him up, There is a fairy tale about something similar, he muses, but no. This is not a story, not a show, this is reality. Elnor won’t just wake up through the contact, but if he would? Hugh doesn’t know what he would do then. Be relieved, of course. And glad. He would tell him that he misses him, because he does, he misses Elnor, he missed him these last days. The way Elnor missed him while the incident happened, when Hugh was the one fighting for his life. Just that Elnor is likely not fighting for his life, he is in his own personal hell. He doesn’t know that what he sees is not real. Hugh only finds nightmares to compare it. But nightmares are not real, this is real. How can he get Elnor back  _ here _? Reality is not good, to be honest, right now, Elnor is the only part of reality that makes it actually bearable for him. Reality is pain, it hurts. And Elnor is too good to be true.  _

_ Even reality can’t change the fact that he is asleep a few minutes later.  _

_ He bolts upright in the middle of the night. They are still alone in the room, but someone left a light on, a glass of water and a sandwich next to it, Hugh knows it is for him but ignores it. Because suddenly, he knows what to do. _

_ “I’ll be back, don’t worry” he whispers and gives Elnor’s hand a reassuring squeeze, climbs off the bed. A sense of urgency accompanies it and he finds himself running without thinking about it, down the hallway, down a set of stairs, to where he knows Soji is in her lab. The light is on, why would it not be, when he throws the door open and startles her. How must he look?  _ Disheveled, he’s caught sight of himself in the window on the way. His hair is sticking up in all directions, his clothes are rumpled,  _ he doesn’t care _

_ “We’ll use the Nanos. He has mine, literally mine, you know the statistics. It means they can establish a connection, it’s a link between him and me. Like a collective” the word makes his mouth go dry, but it doesn’t matter, “It’s like a collective, just him and me. You can keep us separated enough to intervene, but if he is trapped in his own mind, I can get him out like this. Nobody else can. You reactivated my Nanos when my implants malfunctioned, we can reactivate all of them. They are only programmed to heal, but if we inject a few of my active ones, they’ll spread the code in seconds. It can work” By the look on her face, he knows she thought about the possibility before. How did she know?  _ He is talking nonsense, or not nonsense but spreads confusion. Until now, he’s just watched, but it changes when he sees Soji. Why didn’t he just explain? The confusion, of course. 

_ “So you really injected him with the sample. I figured, but…” she shakes her head and he straightens his shoulders, preparing himself for whatever she will say now. That he handled the situation badly, that he should have found another way, that they should not have been there in the first place.  _ He prepares himself for judgement, and a lot of it. It doesn’t come, however.

_ “I don’t think you would have done that if there had been any other way, so I won’t say anything about it” she sighs and looks at her screen again.  _ He approaches her carefully, can they not waste time? Please?

_ “I did not think you would understand” He admits quietly, because really, he didn’t.  _

_ “A few days ago… I wouldn’t, likely. But I get it. And I left you alone there, because… I figured you wanted me to leave. That you had a plan. I left because you were further than me in that department”  _ He wants to scream at himself, stop, it’s the wrong topic, it won’t help now! It’s too slow, it doesn’t help. Or does it?

_ “But what do you say?”  _

_ “Given that… You already il-”  _ She stops herself from saying ‘illegally’ he realizes now, something he did not realize sooner. Useless knowledge now. “You already  _ gave him your Nanos, he is currently comatose and we don’t know what to do… It seems like you, again, have more of a plan than any of us”  _ Any of them.

_ “I don’t want to get you into trouble”  _

_ “That doesn’t really matter anymore. And besides, with all that happened? I owe you”  _ She doesn’t.

_   
_ _ “You don’t-” But she doesn’t give him a chance to finish the sentence. _

_ “I need to fetch a few things, so I’ll be in this room, with him, in ten minutes” Her expression is stern and he wonders what happened to them, to both of them, to all of them.  _ Who they were before, who they are now. They are changed. Would he like to go back? If he could? Not an important question, but easily answered. 

No. No illusions anymore, only reality. It’s all he’ll take. Elnor is not facing reality right now, and Hugh won't let him go through it alone. 

_ “I need to take care of one last thing, so I’ll meet you there” He turns around and leaves, not running this time.  _

The scene changes quickly, his mind too far away to fill the gaps, it’s almost dizzying to run, but not being the one who runs. He only really gets his bearing back when he is already talking.

_ Seven reacts like he thought she would, which is: not fond of the idea. Not at all. He tells her anyway, of course, and while she only frowns at his mention of the Nanos he injected Elnor with, she has definitely more to say about his plan. His plan to… enter Elnor’s mind, find him there, free him, any get him out. Only the very first part is what he knows will work, and he doesn’t think too much about the rest. Entering someone’s mind is a mess, a roll of a very weirdly shaped dice.  _

_ “Even if it works, there is no way to tell what the effects are on your mind. You were disconnected, yes, but the trauma-” _

_ “I know. It could lock me in my own mind, or in Elnor’s as well. There is no guarantee that I’d come back, let alone the strain it could have on… all of me. I know”  _

_ “So you realize how stupid that idea is?” He clenches his hands behind his back into fists. Does he? Yes. Does he care?  _ _   
_ _ No.  _ He still doesn’t. _   
_ _   
_ _ “I am… I am not asking your permission,” He starts and takes a step back, “I don’t have to do that. But I am not doing nothing, and so far we didn’t find anything else” She realizes what he is doing a moment too late, and he is already stepping out of the room and into the corridor again, his hand on the keypad next to it. The five minutes it will take her to get out are the five minutes he needs, he doesn’t waste the time in hitting the button, and doesn't even look back. He wants to, he wants to look into the room and apologize but the main reason he locked her in it is that this is not going to happen.  _

He did that? He actually…

_ He runs back to Soji, stumbles back into the room panting and locks the door. For a short moment he asks himself if he’s lost his mind, if he is going completely mad. Not the first time he thinks it, it’s not the first time he doubts his sanity and also not the first time others do it too. But this is the closest he’s ever been, basically kidnapping Elnor from their room, convincing Soji to help him, oh, and yes, of course locking Seven of Nine in a room. While everything else is crazy but still somewhat survivable, the last part isn’t. She is going to kill him, but hopefully only after he’s got Elnor out. Or maybe she doesn’t even have to, which would be a good way out, he thinks for a moment, or not. Nobody is going to die here today. Except for him. Later.  _

_ “Are we done?” He asks and sits down on the other table.  _

_ “All set. I can explain-”  _

_ “Don’t” He interrupts. Neither does he need, nor does he want to know the details.  _

_ “I’ll ask you one last time… Are you sure?”  _ Did she ask before?  _ After he locked in Seven? After Elnor saved his life multiple times? After all that happened in the last weeks? He is sure about nothing anymore. Nothing seems real, nothing matters, it’s a whole list of nothings. He turns his head to the side to look at Elnor. He looked away on purpose until now, but one glance and he knows why he is sure about this and this only now. The device on his temple is blinking steadily and Hugh looks back at Soji and just nods. _

_ “I am” She nods and all emotion seems to leave her face. It was selfish of him to pull her into this, he realizes, selfish and cruel. She still feels like she owes him and this right here is definitely settling a debt, to her, not to him. He shouldn’t have asked her.  _ _   
_ _ “It’s going to be alright, just don’t pull me out until Elnor is back” _

_ “Like we discussed” He notices how she doesn’t look at him this time.  _ Did they discuss anything? Did he miss anything?  _ The device is a lot smaller than the mask he got in sickbay, it feels less like he is back in the collective. Ironic when he thinks about how he will be back in a form of the collective in a few-  _

_ He doesn’t even get to finish the sentence in his mind when the room around him blurs together like fresh watercolor. He falls, but not down to the floor, deeper, far deeper. Freed from gravity for a moment, before it catches him with way too much force and he lands on his hands and knees on stone. Okay. A floor. He stays like this for a moment before he lets himself down from shaking arms and legs. It worked. It… worked. He looks at his hands and they seem solid, but he is not sure what he actually expected. They are still braced against the floor, the sensation of falling has not yet vanished completely. Light brown stone and sand is under his fingers, sticking to his fingernails already. It’s warmer here too, not like in the air conditioned room from before. Strange. The collective had felt different. A different kind of warm, and still cooler. Paradoxical, for all its logic. It felt… safe, which is the same feeling as here. He doesn’t feel like he is in danger - granted, he also just fell what feels like ten stories down while hopefully not moving in the real world, but still. Maybe he should be cautious of the feeling of safety? More suspicious. Maybe later. Right now, he counts what he knows.  _

_ "so.... I'm here now. Minds. Or… just mine? No, it’s not, I’ve never-" he tries and looks around. How would he know if he ever went to a place like this? Stairs. So many stairs and curtains. It's beautiful, in a way, and terrifying in another. Hugh is not a fan of heights, they make him queasy and anxious, that they only lead to darkness is even worse. Elnor is not afraid of heights. He likes to climb, he once broke his arm when he fell-  _

_ How does he know that? _

_ "This is a visual representation of a mind" A voice to his left suddenly tells him and he is completely sure that there hadn’t been anyone before, even though he doesn’t know why. _

_ "And... Who are you then?" He asks and carefully gets up. They watch him curiously and something is off about them. So familiar, but still not at all. He feels warm and home and safe looking at them, and there it is: caution.  _

_ "We. We are why you are here. We are the connection between you. Your collective. We are your queen." Hugh swallows and looks at them. It just... Looks like…  _ _   
_ _ “To make it easier… We are the line between you two. The line you are walking on. These rooms are between your mind and his - if you open a door, you enter either his or yours. And if you get lost too deep behind the door, you’ll be lost forever. Sometimes it all gets too real. Your friend forgot that it is not real. He was here, for a moment. Terrified. and ran” They say the last part as if they regret it, “These should be all your questions right now” It’s true.  _

_ "I need to find my friend. Can you tell me where he is? Where he went?” _

_ "He is running. He ran away and he is hiding, the circles are strong around him. He tries to protect himself. It will not be easy for you to break through" It’s hard to not just trust them, it’s hard to not just take that answer and look. Ask for their hand and walk away. He forces himself away from the thought of just coming closer, of crossing the border so they are one, he and Elnor as one because then he’d know where he is, and he’d know what to do and- _

_ No. He can’t do that. It’s too easy, too dangerous, more importantly, he won’t take that right away from his friend. Not now, not ever. They will stay apart as much as he can manage.  _

_ “Stop” He realizes that they have drifted closer and moves a step back, “I won’t come close to you, I won’t let you take me”  _

_ “It’s not easy for you” They take a step back themselves and shake their head, still smiling, warm and- NO! _

_ "No kidding” he shakes his head in an attempt to clear it, “but how do I get to him?" The figure moves to the side and gestures to the only red curtain. Hugh’s apparent distrust doesn’t seem to faze them the slightest. _

_ "This way. There might be other rooms. You have to find him. And you have to find him yourself. I won't be able to help you a lot. I cannot keep you from the wrong doors, but I can show you the right ones. But be aware of your shared doors. They will hurt you more than you’ll be able to handle. I can’t help you there” _

_ "I didn't expect any help at all..." a name. It needs… They need... A name? _

_ "I don't need a name. You won't be able to call me. You can try, but I won't answer. It is not my purpose." _

_ "Okay, then you are the background voice that is... Not helpful at all" _

_ "Correct." He almost laughs at that.  _

_ “But if you are the connection, shouldn’t you always be here? As long as we are linked?” The figure thinks for a moment. _

_ “No. I am just the knowledge of you two. You forget how powerful the mind is - I don’t, because I am what you know. All the knowledge you ever possessed and ever forgot, and all the knowledge Elnor ever had and lost. If I enter the memories, they become too real. You forget certain parts of them and it keeps you safe. Sane. A memory that replays in your mind over and over and over again, just like it was? It will drive you insane. And you, you are also not really here. You are an anomaly, in your own mind. Ahd in his. His mind will notice, yours too. If you stay too long….” Their voice trails off and he doesn’t need to hear more on the topic. _

_ “So if you enter the memory, we’d remember everything exactly like it happened. You are personified knowledge then?” _

_ “Knowledge” they say it as if they need to try out the word, taste it, decide if they like it or not “Yes, that I am. I can protect you from doors you wouldn’t open, but I can’t promise that I won’t also show you some you forgot. I am curious, as are both of you” _

_ “Are there more of you?” They look at him confused, “If you are Knowledge, is there a person as Memory? Or Fear? Joy?” _

_ “Oh, others, not like me. Memories look like doors, they open and close, but if one is open, another one has to stay closed. Fear is a mean companion, if you meet her, you won’t lose her ever again, but she might help you one single time. Be careful of that, you will trust her forever after that. Joy is fleeting and small, but a key in the right moment. Grief is either heavy as a stone or light as a feather, sometimes it’s both. Sometimes Happiness follows them, but not always. There is one you have to watch out for, though” _

_ “Who?”  _

_   
_ _ “Anger. Anger is big and strong, they take many forms and say many words” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I don’t think I need to be prepared for much anger in Elnor’s mind. More so in my own” _

_ “I know you think that, and I know you can’t know better. But everyone has anger in them, and Anger… Anger destroys memories. All can do it, but nothing as bad as Anger can hurt it. Be aware of that” It all sounds like a riddle or many of them, but he can’t dwell on that, as Knowledge walks down the corridor slowly. “However… They are not like me. They only ever try to act, you will know it’s them, but won’t see. You will meet two of them” Their hair is floating as if they were in space, but they are not. This is not real. His body in the laboratory, or in Elnor’s room, his mind is here. His body is probably comatose, as is Elnor’s. Which is a not at all comforting thought. _

_ “Do you have a pen by any chance?” he asks as he follows them. It’s just an idea, random, but an idea nontheless. _

_ “I know that I don’t, but you do” He looks down to his empty hands, and sees what they mean. He has a pen in his pocket, he always carries a normal pen, he forgot why. _

_ “Because you always write on your wrists. It keeps you grounded” He ignores Knowledge and rips the cap off, looks at his arm and writes ‘THIS IS NOT REAL’ on the back of his hand in black ink. It’s not perfect, but it is an idea. _

_ “Where do I have to go?” They point at the red curtain again _

_ “You did not forget. I won’t lie to you, I can’t. It’s not in my nature to tell what is not the truth” Now they do sound a little like Elnor.  _

_ “Thank you… Will I see you again?”  _

_ “This is nothing we can be certain about. They already look to the ceiling again, most interested, and he shoves the first curtain aside.  _

* * *

“This is how we met! You are the knowledge, and you told me what to do!”

They smile sheepishly, as if they were proud but not sure if it’s the right place to show that. 

  
“I am Knowledge, all yours and all of his. All the people you ever knew, all you ever learned. Made possible only by the Nanotechnology in both of your bodies. And yes. I warned you that getting lost has consequences, but you made it out” The more excited he feels himself, the more they seem so too, gesturing wildly and smiling really now. 

“You are our minds, desperately trying to keep us… what? Alive?” 

“In a way. You are in no danger of dying, at least not as long as you don’t decide to give up. But you need to be aware… That you’d be trapped. Both of you would only exist inside your minds, able to relive memories and create new ones from them. But it is not the real world” 

“I need to find Elnor in some of his darkest moments, because due to the poison, it’s what keeps him trapped, am I right?”

“You are”

“I found the door, but it led to the Artifact, the shared memory was… too much. And he ran away, so I need to start sooner. It’s not his first dark moment then, and I need to prove to him that I am real. Perhaps-” It should have been obvious to him the whole time. He doesn’t know all about Elnor, he does not know as much as he would like to know. But he knows about his parents, even without being told all about it, he knows it just from being here. It’s a map in his mind he needs to follow.

“When he was a child. I can go there, if I talk to him there already…” When he looks up, Knowledge just smiles, their eyes far far away again. 

“Red curtain” they mumble and look up to the nonexistent ceiling again, “red curtain…” Suddenly, and before he can step aside, they lock eyes with him again, grip his arm with a hand of ice, “Hurry. It’s four moments, three echos you need to find before the door to the real one opens. He is in agony, so hurry, Hugh. You are one now, so you can feel it, tugging at you, the urgency. You need...” They stop confused, but then, and their voice sounds so clear in that moment, “I need you. I can’t exist otherwise. And I won’t be able to help you again” Their face looks different for a moment, familiar and so, so sad, but then it’s over and they look up again. He doesn’t ask, doubts he would get an answer, and hurries through the curtain. 

Smoke is on the other side. The curtain vanishes immediately when he looks behind him, but that is a problem for later. Elnor is his primary concern. And… seeing anything at all, really. The smoke is thick in the air, black clouds in his vision, ash falling from the sky. He hears voices, people are shouting, the sound of footsteps, but there is nobody he can see. Just… Houses. Or their remains, he realizes with a start, burned down to the ground, stone and metal, bent with the force of the fire and the heat of it, glowing in an impossible temperature. And still the voices of people he can’t see. The thick smoke makes breathing harder, but he still can do it, what should be impossible with how thick the smoke is around him. Elnor. He doesn’t even know how he looks at that age, but has a feeling he’ll recognize him. Somehow. There are no footprints in the ash when he walks, and when he looks down to see that, he sees his hands, too. They are… not quite transparent, but blurred on the edges, as if he were mostly real, but mostly being the keyword. Almost unsettlingly not real enough. Still the ashes stick, and he wipes his hands clean on his trousers in a futile attempt to clean them. It only smudges the writing further. There is only one direction he can think of walking in, and maybe that is a sign, a good one even more so. Is this Romulus? He knows the story, knows what happened and about the survivors. This burning world is not right. 

It doesn’t have to be how it transpired. Elnor had still been a child when it happened, even if he’d doesn’t actually remember it, this can still be his memory. A twisted version of the actual events, a response to trauma. He lost his parents here. At this point in his life. 

He ducks down when a metal pole bends down next to him, worryingly unfazed by it. He is staring in almost morbid fascination, everything is fire and smoke, broken buildings and screaming, yet there is nobody to see. Already Hugh can’t even see from where he came from, when there is something that breaks through the screams. It’s not a louder scream, a shout for help, it’s not footsteps although it should be, Elnor should be running, with everything breaking down, standing still is too dangerous. But it’s quiet, almost inaudible sobbing. Muffled by small hands to only a small avail, but still. 

“Elnor?” Hugh can’t hear his own voice as loud as he tries to be, he tries to shout, be louder than the screaming and cracking fire, but his voice is only just more than a whisper. He walks faster now, not quite running yet, “Elnor?” 

And then he sees him. It’s not hard, the two of them are the only people actually here. He looks… solid. More so than Hugh himself feels, and he runs the last few steps to crouch in front of him, not yet noticing how the child just looks ahead.

“There you are” Elnor doesn’t react, so he tries again, “Elnor, can you hear me?” The small boy has one hand pressed over a spot on his arm, the other tightly over his mouth. He wears what could count as sleeping clothes and a jacket, far too big, is draped over his shoulders. He is shielded from the falling ashes by the metal and stone from a house the fire has not yet destroyed completely.

“My parents. Nobody is coming” The way he says it sounds more than the Elnor Hugh knows, the grown-up Elnor. It’s tired, sad, he’s heard him talk like that only once before. It’s that feeling of hopelessness he can’t let Elnor have, it’s so fundamentally  _ wrong _ . Elnor can’t lose hope. Him being trapped here already feels like he lost it, that he still fights, is still holding on however means so much. It means that he is still here, in a way, that Hugh can still reach him. And hopefully in time. 

  
“I’m here, can you see me? Can you hear me, Elnor, I’m here. This is not real, I’m here to get you out. I found you” 

“Where is everybody? I need… I don’t want to die, where is- where is-” Hugh knows he wants his mother, his father, without hearing it. His hands are still so transparent, so much more than in the beginning, when he wants nothing more than to reach out and hold the child, tell him that everything will be alright. That he won’t die, and won’t be alone. Not ever again. But he still doesn’t look at him, doesn’t see him, it’s frustrating and scary at the same time.  _ Please please please see me _

“Elnor, I need you to listen to me. To hear me. This is not real, you are trapped in your own mind, in a moment that has already happened.” The boy’s shoulders lose some of the tension, and when Hugh continues, he slowly even turns his head. He is scared, of course he is, and Hugh can work with fear. He encountered a scared Elnor before, he is scared and hurt, but at least… At least it’s familiar. The sympathy is enough.

“You are not alone, and you won’t ever be again, I won’t let that happen. But please, please listen to me. We need to get out. You need to see me, look at me” 

We need to get out of here, he thinks, I need to get you out of here. 

There is a sharp pain in his temple and when he looks up, the child-Elnor looks at him, really looks at him, his free hand on his head in the same spot Hugh has his now. 

“Why is nobody coming? Someone should come! Where is everyone?” Hugh adjusts the jacket around his shoulders to hide that he doesn’t know. It’s a big black jacket. His father’s, he remembers. But he gave it to him before Elnor got on the shuttle for the refugees. Now, however, the scene is different. As far as he knows, Elnor’s parents are already dead, and this is a nightmare-version of what happened. 

“They forgot me, didn’t they?” Scared, terrified. Afraid that it’s the truth. Hugh knows how that feels, he knows how it feels to feel forgotten, to feel lost and alone, so utterly lonely. It occurred to him before, that Elnor knows the feeling, just not this bad. He remembers his words in sickbay, how he promised Hugh he wouldn’t leave there, and Hugh promised him the same just days prior. A promise he will repeat over and over again if that is what helps, without meaning it any less.

“No” This is something he knows, or maybe just hopes, with utmost certainty, “Nobody forgot you. I am here, am I not?” The child looks at him with big, wet eyes and trembling lips, “I am here. Even if nobody else is. You stuck around when I was sick, you stayed. You stayed for all of it, even when I lied and didn’t trust you with how sick I was, you stayed. Now I’m here, and I won’t leave without you. You hear me? I won’t leave  _ without you _ ”

“I don’t even know you” he whispers as Hugh carefully pries his hand away from his arm to reveal the burn there. He winces in sympathy when he sees it but says nothing more. It’ll be alright. This is not real.

“You will, one day” he promises quietly, “and we will get to know each other a lot better when this is over. Nobody forgot you. And you won’t ever forget a person, or let anyone down. You are the most special person I’ve ever met. You never forgot me, and I won’t ever forget you” The child looks at him and shakes his head, nods then, confused. Hugh has seen Elnor confused before, of course, it’s always been adorable, even when he always tried to help it not lasting too long. It’s a different gesture now, especially since Elnor doesn’t ask, and Hugh is so used to him telling what he feels, saying what he thinks, asking all the questions. The child just looks at him. 

  
  


“Come on” He takes the small hand in his and after a moment, reaches down to pick him up. He is not light, but not too heavy at all, and he feels his arms holding tight a moment later, latching onto him in a tight hug. 

“I’ll get you out of here” 

“Hugh?” He looks to the side where the child presses close to him. He didn’t tell him his name, did he? Is that good? It makes his heart flutter and against all odds, he smiles.

“I won’t leave you” He whispers and holds him close, turns him away from a burning house, “close your eyes” he mumbles when he sees what must be burning clothes, a person, likely, the first other person he sees here, but he can’t dwell on that even if it hurts, he can’t dwell on that because it’s a memory, because this is not real, even when ash smudge the writing on his hand further, “I promise you, I won’t let you down” There are other people now, but he keeps his hand over Elnor’s eyes to not let him see it. Small and cold hands hold onto him. Not ice-cold anymore, still not warm, but already so much better.

“No. You didn’t. You found me” Hugh doesn’t answer when he sees the door, opens it with his free hand- 

And Elnor is gone as he steps from ashes on metal. It takes him a moment to adjust, the fiery brightness gone, the half-lit corridors of the Artifact, the weight of the child gone from his arms. The ash is still there, however, and he still smells the burned cloth from where his sleeve caught fire. When did that happen?

“Alright… I’ll take that as a success”

This time, he is not pulled back into his body and in two places at once. The air feels thick like honey, but still he can breathe. This time, he seems to be already gone, his memory-self must have lost consciousness. He hopes he won’t see his comatose self on his way to where he knows Elnor hides, but gets a glance at his own pale face anyway. But no, not this time. This time, he won’t get distracted, and he won’t lose himself again. This time, he ducks away in the shadows he knows so well and walks the familiar ways as if he is just back where he should be. But it’s not that easy - after the third turn, he finds himself back at where he started. 

“You don’t remember the exact way you came” he realizes and ducks into another corridor, “you just ran when you panicked, found it by accident. Oh Elnor…” There is a different word in his mind at the end of the sentence but he bites his tongue, “I’m so sorry, I should have known…” Of course he got lost here. It is a maze for everyone else, even with as good of a sense of orientation as Elnor has. It still leaves the problem as how to find him, however. Could he replicate it? If he starts exactly where Elnor did? Or if he- no, he can’t just call for him. How did he find him before? There is no logic here. It’s not exactly how it happened, it’s how Elnor remembers it. The same with the child Elnor was before, his memories are not the reality, which is why Knowledge can’t enter them. He wishes they could, just for a while, to help him. But no. It’s his job now, and he can find him. Nobody knows the Artifact better than Hugh, nobody wandered the hallways more often, kept track of every change made to it and every improvement in every corner. He knows how to get from anywhere to everywhere in the span of a minute, unseen, unheard or openly. It’s his domain. Not Elnor’s. That’s the other side, isn’t it. Hugh had been at home here, not Elnor. Elnor… ran. He got to safety, but Hugh does not know where. And right now, he has no idea how to find him. 

Or maybe he does. Maybe it’s easy and he just didn’t see it because it’s too obvious - if he had run, then… He wants to hit himself. No matter where Elnor went in the real scene, there is only one place he could be here.

“The Queencell” he quietly mumbles to himself and turns around.

  
  


Seeing Elnor here breaks something in him. He has his knees so tightly pressed to his chest, gently rocking forward and backwards, the beacon clutched in his hand that his fingers tremble with how hard he holds onto it.  _ This is not real. It has already happened. It’s over. We are on Coppelius, this is a memory. It’s not real. _

Even while knowing Elnor won’t see him, he tries the same approach like before. 

“Elnor?” He can’t see if and how transparent he is this time, not in the half-light. But it’s Elnor, his Elnor even. And while the child had also been  _ his _ Elnor, he now looks like it, feels like it. From his clothes to his hair and his sword next to him. Hugh remembers too much and still too little about today. The in between, leaving the Artifact, had never been there in the first place. Right now, he is grateful for it. Without the memory he can’t be dragged back into his own body like he was before, when he felt himself dying. And maybe that is it - maybe that is what is wrong. The child Elnor remembered this twisted version of events where nobody came to save him, and now? What if now, there is also nobody else to find him? If Elnor believes Hugh dead, then maybe in this memory, he is. 

“I know you can’t hear me, can’t… see me. But you will, and-”

“I do see you” comes the quiet answer. What? How? 

“You… can?” He kneels down and reaches out a hand, but just coming closer to him makes him flinch back so hard his elbow hits the wall behind him and Hugh immediately retreats it. No touch then. Not this time. 

“I can see and hear you. But you are not here, not real at all” He doesn’t look at him, just to the ground. 

“But I am. I want to get you out, that’s why I’m here” He lets his hand that’s still in the air, just to be visible, sink. 

“Then why do you have “ _ this is not real” _ written on your skin?” It’s said through his teeth, eyes clear and his gaze sharp. 

“You are. And I am. But this is not. I am not dead, not even close. But you are trapped here” Elnor shakes his head again, and Hugh has never heard him laugh without humor. Now it almost sounds like it.

“Then let me be trapped. And leave!” He hisses and retreats back in the direction of the wall.

“I won’t leave without you” At this, Elnor frowns.

“You said that before” 

“And I still mean it” Slowly, far too slow, he lifts his head. His eyes are red-rimmed and he looks tired. Tired like he hasn’t slept in weeks, tired as if he can’t possibly still be here and alive and alright. 

“Prove it” 

“I can’t. You saw me die, but this is not how it happened. By this time, Seven of Nine must have shown up. You and her, you dragged me back to the Queencell, and I woke up on Rios’ ship later. You saved my life, I did not die because you saved my life” He reaches out again and this time, carefully, he takes it. It’s colder than Hugh’s skin, but only just. Elnor lets him take it for a moment, as if it takes time for him to register the touch.

“The ash” he whispers and his cold fingers stroke over Hugh’s cheek, they come back grey, “I remember the ash” His gaze softens for a moment and when he looks at him, he really seems to  _ see _ .

“That’s good. That is really good, Elnor, yes. I’m here now” Finally. After he failed the first attempt, after he is still the reason this is all happening. In a beautiful world it’s not his fault, in the real world it is.

“I…” Elnor shakes his head, there it is again, the confusion, he takes his hand back, puts it to his head, and Hugh smiles at him because it’s Elnor, and Elnor is stubborn in a good way, in a way that he accepts help. He doesn’t want to give up, and sometimes, it feels to Hugh like nobody ever wants to give up. All they need is a hand to help, to guide, and Hugh is not good at that. In his opinion at least. But Elnor is. All the time, it’s been Elnor who held out his hand and Hugh who reluctantly took it. It doesn’t have to be him now. 

“You promised to find me. You promised you would always find me but it’s my turn now. You don’t need to be the fighter all the time, I can do that too, for once”

“You shouldn’t have to” He’s so quiet, his voice is only just above a whisper, and then, sharper, “You should not be here” He ignores the last statement in favor of answering the first properly.

“Neither should you, but yes, I do” His own voice is firm, he hears himself and it’s so unlike him, but it is what is needed now, “Listen, we need to get out of here. Right now, they…” he stops when he realizes that Elnor can’t know Knowledge. And he can’t explain it now, “A friend told me, that we are running out of time. We need to get out of here and we need to do it now” Elnor shakes his head, and for the first time, Hugh gets the possibility that he isn’t simply saying ‘no’. That he isn’t disagreeing or confused. It looks more like he shakes his head to clear it. And sure enough, when Hugh leans closer, his eyes are clouded over. 

When Elnor gets up, Hugh can’t miss how his knees shake so hard he holds himself upright on the wall next to him, but when he reaches out, he sees something he didn’t see before. Again. How did he miss it  _ again _ ? The long sleeve of Elnor’s tunic is drenched at the top. It only looks wet, but Hugh knows it’s blood, and he knows the spot that’s bleeding, but the arm is yanked away from him immeadiately.

“Don’t touch me” He almost falls forward, his big clouded eyes wild and his hand clutching his shoulder. Anger fills his voice and he nearly falls forward when he moves away so sudden. 

“Elnor?” He tries his best to not sound hurt. He has no right to be. No right to be hurt, maybe only confused. Elnor must be, why would he react like that? 

“Don’t touch me” Elnor hissingly repeats and glares at him, “Don’t even come near me again!”

  
  


* * *

Soji carefully pries the cloth away from where the black veins are softly covered with it. 

“It’s less. I think it works?” 

“This can’t be how...” Seven mutters and takes a look herself. But she is right, they are subsiding. When she puts a hand on Elnor’s forehead, it feels warmer than before. 

“But it seems like it does” She looks over to where she adjusted Hugh so he at least sits somewhat normal in his chair. There had been a critical moment about half an hour ago, when his brain activity went crazy while Elnor’s stayed the same. They had wanted to pull him out of it when his nose started to bleed, but somehow Seven knew it wouldn’t work. She had warned him about it and he went in anyway. He must have thought she would stop him, but no. It’s clear to most likely everyone on the planet that this would not work. There is only one way Hugh lasted as long as he did and survived all that happened to him, and it’s stubbornness. There had been no stopping him. But she would have helped, or helped more. Now she feels helpless, and it pisses her off even more than that Hugh locked her in a room, so sure she wouldn’t help. Well. Not how it worked.

“Seven?” She looks away from Hugh to where Soji is still standing next to Elnor. 

“What?” But she sees it a moment and curses quietly. There is a gentle, fine trickle of blood from Elnor’s nose too now, going down the side of his face and onto the white pillow. She looks over to Hugh, his stopped after a few minutes and hasn’t started again for now. 

“Anything we can do?” Soji just shakes her head and looks over to the brain activity that hasn’t changed at all. She just wishes she could see...

“Come on, what is going on in there? What’s taking you so long, hurry up” She mumbles when she squeezes Hugh’s shoulder. 

* * *

Hugh falls sideway against the metal wall of the hallway and sinks down on it. A part of his mind screams at him that there is no time, that he is wasting it now, but he can’t go on either. Elnor is sitting next to him, head down, his arm pulled close. There are two doors now. One, undoubtedly, leading to the hallway. He wishes for the soft light and light stones, the company of Knowledge just to explain, to help. He wishes for them to talk to him and say anything helpful now. 

And he really wants Elnor, his Elnor, back. The person next to him is really just an echo, remembering nothing, being so sceptical it hurts, while it shouldn’t hurt. Hugh can’t forget how he flinched away from him. He is still not letting him help, letting him touch, and Hugh doesn’t try. It’s still hard  _ not  _ to reach out to help when he sees him stumble, or offer a hand. Knowledge warned him about anger. Maybe he should have listened better. Elnor also doesn’t talk, he drags himself along the walls, stubborn and mistrusting eyes straight forward.  _ Don’t touch me. You shouldn’t be here. Don’t come closer. _

Elnor is angry, so angry and hurt and Hugh can’t work with anger. All angry people ever did was to hurt him or people he cared about, or both. He can’t fight anger, all it does makes him want to run away, far away. Leave. But he can’t leave Elnor, he promised that to him and to himself, he won’t leave. That is, after all, what Elnor thinks is happening. Or no, not Elnor. THIS IS NOT REAL and Elnor isn’t either. This… echo of him seems to think that. 

“Ready to go on?” he asks quietly and the person next to him just scoffs. It’s unnerving, so wrong in every way. Elnor doesn’t scoff. Elnor does not react that way. And even if, he never did so in Hugh’s company. And still, he tries. He keeps his hands to his side, says nothing and doesn’t even look when Elnor all but drags himself off the floor. He is not sure he could look. He certainly doesn’t need to, he can hear his labored breathing, how he groans every few unsafe steps. How it’s hard to hold himself upright. Every cell in Hugh’s own being screams to help him, to be there, to say something that comforts him, but the only comfort he can give is not helping, is staying away, is  _ keeping _ away. He wants to escape the situation, run away, get out to the hallway and hide and  _ cry _ even. Scream, too. He won’t. This is not about him and he won’t make it, Elnor is the one trapped here. Hugh could leave, he can’t, but just in the way that he won’t.

“It’s just the door” he explains quietly, “We have to go through it” The echo-Elnor says nothing.

“I’m sorry” What for? He doesn’t know. Sorry that he hadn’t been there. That Elnor didn’t tell him sooner. That all of this happened on the Artifact. 

“Why would I trust you?” 

“I… I don’t know, I just… You seem to when-”

“You don’t trust me, so why  _ should _ I trust you?” No, that is not right. He does trust him. He has not always done so, however. That much is clear. But not because Elnor hasn’t been trustworthy.

“But I do trust you” He says quietly, “It’s not… It has never been easy with anyone else. But it is with you” 

“How?” He shoots him an icy glare and Hugh suddenly knows that he won’t get echo-Elnor through the door without telling him. Without showing him the truth, and all of it.

“I trusted you, but yes, I hid” he starts slowly, feeling the way Elnor looks at him. No, not Elnor.    
“I didn’t want to be a bother. And I thought… I thought if I wanted too much, you’d leave. I thought if I was too much, then…”

“What part of ‘tells the truth’ is so hard to understand?” Mean! That is the word he was looking for earlier, mean! Elnor is not mean, he is not cruel with his words. He is not simply angry, he is bluntly mean. But that’s the key, Hugh has dealt with mean people for a long time. The bullies that existed everywhere, he could escape them as much as they would ever change. So he learned, adapted. He can deal with mean.

“It’s not. None of this is hard to understand. I know I hurt you, but you, the real you, understands. You are an echo, a memory that is so crooked and so wrong, it corrupted you to a degree  _ I don’t know you anymore. _ But I know you, and I know that this is not you. You want to know why I did not trust you?” He takes a breath and looks at him, really looks at him, “because I feel guilty. For all that happened here, and before, for all you had to see. And it is because of people who behave like you do right now that I take the blame for everything that happens. It is because of people like the real You that I still have hope. You are cruel, and this is not You. Because I know you, and I know you because you trust me and I trust you. We are a team, you and me, and if you were YOU right now you knew, you knew I’d trust you with my life and I did so before” He pants, forgot to take a breath in talking, “And now I really want to leave” He shoves the door open with both of his hands, half expecting an answer, a mean one or a snapped reply, but nothing comes. And when he looks, his eyes are clear again.


	3. My pyramid

There are more after that. He loses count after the third or fourth. Another child-Elnor, crying over Picard, sad and hopeless, he is allowed to hug the child this time and pretends that it’s not helping himself at all. Two more memories he can’t right place. And more, he walks through some of the memories and can’t interact. They leave him exhausted, tired, dirty with ash and blood and leaves, so he doesn’t even notice when he stumbles through another door and the room around him is dark. He just sinks to the floor and closes his eyes, grateful for the cool air around him. By now he’s seen Elnor fight, some of his nightmares, not a single happy memory. It makes sense that he is only locked in the dark places of his mind, but every time Hugh realized he just had to watch the scene, it drained him more. He’s seen Romulus and Vashti, he has also seen himself having a seizure and almost breaking Elnor’s nose. He hasn’t encountered any more shared memories. But he has seen his parents and he has seen his family. The moment Zani told him that he’d never be one of the nuns, however hard he tried. Anger, grief, he’s seen it all and watched it all, dragging himself along. Just watching is even worse than interacting with the angry echo-Elnor. He can’t do anything, can’t change a thing. So when the darkness wraps around him he doesn’t care. The floor below him is cold and he just sits there. Eyes closed though it wouldn’t make a difference. How is he supposed to go on? How can he? Knowledge said there were only four echos, so far he encountered three, but he can’t go on like this! He doesn’t know how many of these memories are crooked and wrong, how many happened a different way. He can’t fix them, he can’t find Elnor. How is he supposed to find the real one? It must have been hours, maybe even days. How long has it been in the real world? He wipes over his eyes, not even surprised when his hand comes away wet. How can he find him? Maybe there is no chance after all, and maybe he should have listened to Seven, maybe he is trapped here now too and it’s all been for nothing.    
What if he just isn’t the hero? In any story. Not in his own, certainly, but not in this one either. By now, it could just be his destiny to fail. He’s seen too many friends die. Maybe this is it. He certainly is safer here. Nobody can hurt him, and he can’t start caring about anyone else. Which gets them killed in the end. 

This is the end then. It’s over. 

“It’s not. And you know it’s not” His head snaps up at the familiar voice. But it’s wrong, Knowledge can’t be here. 

“I can. It’s no memory, haven’t you noticed?” No, he hasn’t. And still, he doesn’t care.

“I can’t go on like this” his voice is no more than a rough whisper now.

“No, you can’t” they answer with a sigh and then they are in front of him, kneeling on the floor. Their smile is soft. Caring. 

“Not like this. You got lost again, but this time, not in your own mind and not in the in-between. It’s too much. You were never expected to go through all of this, but anger showed you the wrong door” 

“The wrong…” Two doors. One of them had led back to the hallway, had it not? 

“The wrong door, yes. You are afraid of heights and went downwards. You still found the third echo, which I am impressed by. But you went too far. It’s not your fault” 

“I need to search for him. But I don’t know where to go, I looked everywhere and he was not there. I don’t know where to look anymore”

“You don’t need to look anymore. You just need to find him” It’s cryptic and quite frankly, not helpful the way they say it, but there is something in their voice. Their hand is once again cool against his cheek and they smile a smile he knows too well, a smile that is his first memory upon waking up as an individual. Maybe the only thing that could help him now. They are kind, incredibly so, even if they shouldn’t be here. They want to help, he realizes too late, but said they couldn’t. Or weren’t allowed to? They did before, and now again. He just can’t find the words to thank them.   
“You are already almost there. It’s just a few more steps” They gesture around and it takes him a moment to see it. The darkness around them is not all dark. And with his head down he didn’t see the few lonely ashes falling from the sky like snowflakes gone wrong.

“You have arrived at the darkest place one can be in their own mind. It’s not a memory. It is a nightmare” He turns to answer them, but they shake their head, their face a pained expression.    
“I said I could not help you. I should not have, for now you have to find your way out on your own” Something is wrong, so wrong, he can’t put his finger on what it is however. 

“I can do that” he whispers back but they only sigh, their features… dissolve along the edges. 

“If you are not too late. If you are, then now you are both lost” And like a whisper in the wind, they are gone. What they leave is more ash, falling faster now, and he still stares at the point where they kneeled before. Nothing remains of them, not even a footprint. And no door. There is no door anymore, when there had been when he arrived here. And now he is alone, really, truly alone. It takes a few moments for Hugh to get his bearings, to wipe the ash out of his teary eyes and look around. Okay. He can do it, whatever he has to do. The place is quiet, and he claps his arms free to wipe his face with the sleeve. With Knowledge and their gentle voice gone, the silence is almost deafening. Ash is still falling from the black sky, just now nothing seems to bring the little light that is just enough to make him see. No stars. Nothingness, except for where he still sits, footprints in the ash around. While he is still alone. He wants to dwell on Knowledge and what they meant, on what it means that they are gone now. 

“Elnor?” his voice gets echoed three times when he turns around, trying again, “Elnor!” Nobody answers him, but the further he walks, the less ash falls, until he can make out a dark shape in the distance. Unmoving, “No, nonono…” He starts running so fast he nearly slips, and while it looks far away and is, it feels like he runs for hours until he gets to him. It is Elnor, who else would be in his mind. Who else did Knowledge ever talk about? He is laying on his side, one arm as if reaching out, a dark spot where Hugh knows the cut was, dark on his grey tunic. Why is it grey? His face is too, almost like painted, and maybe it’s just the ash.

“Elnor… no, no nonono-'' he slides down the rest of the way, the floor is hard under the ashes when he falls to his knees, his hands, just cleaned, get dusty again when he puts them on Elnor’s shoulders, turns him to his back to look at him. His eyes are closed. No color on his grey cheeks, like he is not real, just a shadow. He looks more like the shadow-version of himself than the ones Hugh encountered in this place, and it terrifies him more than their existence did.

“Elnor, come on, talk to me, don’t do this, don’t…” his voice gives out and the warmth of his fingertips seeps into unforgivingly cold skin, “There is so much you didn’t see, there is so much I need to tell you. So much you need to know. I’ll apologize a million times, I’ll find a way to make it up to you, but for that, please, Elnor, we need to get out of here” he tries again and again to shake him awake, strokes his cheeks with both hands until the ash sticks and he feels their softness more than his skin. He tries and tries and then tries again, does all he can to keep the thought away, the knowledge of what is happening now. Of the truth.    
They are stuck here. Both him and Elnor. Because for all the times Elnor saved him, he couldn’t even manage to save him once. For all the times Elnor was there for him, he couldn’t even do it once. Is it true? It is, it can’t be and it has to be at the same time. It seeps through until it’s all he can think about, about how he is too late. About how they have lost. About...

“No, don’t do this to me. Not now, come on!” he shakes Elnor by the shoulders, again and again with newfound energy from the desperation the truth brings, grasps his hand. His fingertips are covered in dirt, like he grabbed into it, and so, so cold. It feels like ice in his, but not melting, he just stays so, so lifeless cold, “Wake up, please, all this way, I can’t be too late!” His eyes start to burn again, but not only them, it’s all inside of him. He burns, the same as he felt before, rage and pain, fear and terror and grief.

_ Please, anyone, not him. Take me, burn me, freeze me, just don’t take him _

He tries to rouse him, talks and whispers words he won’t remember later, holds his cold hand between his and presses it to his own chest, his own heartbeat, because he can’t feel him having one. The cloth of his tunic is torn over his scraped knees, there is no much ash in his hair it’s nearly white when Hugh gently pushes it out of his face, only to feel the coldness on his cheeks again. He is still not moving, and maybe he won’t ever again. Knowledge talked about both of them trapped here, but what if Hugh is alone? What if Elnor is  _ gone _ and they are seperated?   
“Come back to me” He whispers, “Elnor, this is not real. Come back to me” He puts his hand over his, strokes his hair with the other, “come back to me. Wake up, come back” his pleading grows quieter, until a last, nearly inaudible “please” is the last thing he says before he gives in to the exhaustion and lets his shoulders slump. He is still holding his hand, still pressing it tightly to his chest, even as he gives in and lets the tears go. He all but weeps, there is nobody there who could hear him and he cries, he cries until he can’t even really breathe anymore, until his throat hurts and his head and his face and his eyes are swollen, he cries because he is too late and Elnor is gone. He thought before he would die. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, he doesn’t trust it. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. It hurts, but it’s also so final. The pain that rips his chest apart now is so much worse. There is nothing he can compare it to, nothing that lets it feel less than it is, he feels every moment they had together and every moment they lost. He feels every single time he saw Elnor smile and every single opportunity he let slip. He feels the stories he told him and every single one he will now never hear. And he feels the unsaid words, the missed chances, all of it in one feeling, packed together too tightly it makes his heart explode with pain and really, if he dies now, it can’t be worse. He had that thought before, but everything else is meaningless. He wants to go back in time, relive the moments and the short time they had together and  _ use _ it. He is desperate to fix whatever brought them here but he can’t, and he will never be able to, he can’t change the past and Elnor, of all people, made him realize that that is alright. It’s not. It won’t ever be, not if it means that he lost him too, that they tried to not lose each other and did, in the end. It’s brutal, but when his sobs die down after seemingly endless crying, he is too exhausted to even hold onto Elnor anymore. He just leans forward and lays his head on his chest. Cold and hard like stone. His voice is almost inaudible, high and giving out every few words when he talks, but he has to. If he doesn’t, he’d have to think about anything else, he can’t do that. 

“I never told you that I remember nearly every word you said in sickbay” he starts and feels fresh tears in his eyes. Not possible, but this is not even real. Except, the fact that Elnor is gone is, “You… you begged me to fight, to stay, even if I didn’t love you back. I didn’t want to say anything then, later, even when you asked me if I remembered anything. I thought I would… Be pressuring you” He hears his shoes scratch over the floor when the tension in his body subsides, “It feels like it’s my destiny to be an idiot, you know? It wouldn’t have changed anything here, but I would have had one secret less. I just wish I told you” his voice gives out again and he closes his eyes, exhausted from crying, but also because he can’t stand to see anything anymore.    
“I wish I told you so many things. Asked so many things, I just… I refuse to believe you are gone. You can’t be, not now, not like this” he just repeats himself at this point.   
”Please, please please come back to me. I promise I’ll be here this time, please” But his own pleas grow weaker with every word. Why not give up? He closes his eyes, still holding on, forever holding on. Why not just give up.

He closes his eyes after some time, calm and quiet as it is. The ash has stopped falling. Time doesn't exist and still he drowns it out, drowns all of it out. It's not sleep, but he still denies that he exists until-

“Hugh?” it's quiet and weak and breathless and Hugh bolts upright, the thought he could have imagined not even there. It’s fast enough to see Elnor blink, slowly, so slowly, look up and turn his head away, his gaze falling on Hugh. There is color in his eyes. And when he looks down to the hand he is still holding, he sees the greyness fade, like wind is blowing it away. The relief flooding him is hot, hot and energizing

“Yes, yes I’m here, I’m right here-” He half-whispers, half-sobs, “Right here” 

“Where… Where-?” His voice is so tiny, he sounds more like the scared child he’s met before then himself, but he pushes himself up nevertheless, it’s the sharp intake of breath that reminds Hugh that they are not safe, not even close. That in the real world, they are both probably comatose and getting everyone in trouble, just that for a moment, it doesn’t matter. For a moment, Hugh just looks at him and his face hurts and he is still exhausted beyond belief, but reaches forward to cup Elnor’s face with his hands nonetheless, the relief fueling all his actions.

“I thought you were gone. I thought you were lost, I thought I lost you in here and you would never be coming back” He only notices that he leans forward when their foreheads touch. Skin on skin, close with closed eyes. 

“I thought you were lost, Elnor, I thought…” He bites his lip to stop talking, to stop repeating himself. Relief. 

“I won’t leave. You didn’t leave” A shaking hand comes to rest on the crook of his neck and Hugh finally opens his eyes. Elnor looks tired, still tired. But he is awake. He is here, and it’s his Elnor, the right one. Not an echo, not a shadow, not a memory. No confusion and no pain, it’s Elnor, his Elnor. The one he knows and trusts and  _ loves _ .

“I could never” he whispers and closes his eyes again. He has no tears left, but that doesn’t help when he feels them on his face once more. They stay like that for some time, until finally, Hugh lets go just enough to wipe his face and Elnor gets a chance to look around. 

  
  
  


“Where are we?” 

“With me, you are with me again'' It's what he wanted to say for so long now, he notices too late it’s not the right answer. Elnor still looks around, confused, bleary, “It’s… Someone called it a visual representation of both of our minds. We are liked through my Nanos right now”

“You are scared of activating them”

“Yes” he takes a breath and shakes his head, “but not as afraid as I was of losing you” 

“Does it hurt?” Elnor’s fingers are getting warmer and are carefully tracing the implant above Hugh’s eye.

“No… No, I don’t think so. It might, later. Doesn’t matter, though. 

“How do we get home?” he asks and looks to Hugh

  
  


“We need to find the way. And we have to, we have to get out of here, you don't- Because-” he swallows and turns to the side, looks Elnor in the eye as best as he can, “because I didn’t tell you when I had the chance, so I need to tell you when we get out of here”

“Tell me what?”    
  


“That I love you too.” The words are heavy on his tongue, but they don’t taste bad. It’s the truth, nothing else, “I love you, and you told me you loved me and I didn’t say it back, I’ll tell you everything about it. And I’ll say it a million times over, as long and as often as you want and need. But you have to come back” Elnor shakes his head and suddenly, he is closer than before.

“Can I…” he smiles a little, almost sheepishly, “can I kiss you?” And normally, Hugh has a string of excuses on his lips, how they need to talk about the whole topic, that he isn’t into  _ anything _ and maybe not even kissing, so much is still there, but right now, it’s not. Maybe that is the exception, the few times he actually wants it. And really, they almost lost each other. He doesn’t have to be consistent in his decisions right now, and they will talk later and-   
He can’t bring himself to say yes, just nod. He has never been kissed before. No time, no interest, no… Anything. He doesn’t expect to feel it like that. He doesn’t expect the feeling. When he eventually pulls back and smiles, he sees Elnor smile, they are both breathless from it, even though it didn’t last long, but still, Hugh doesn’t feel like he breathed at all in the last hour and-


	4. Echos in my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff.

-and the breath he takes is deep, it hurts and it tastes like iron. There is warmth on his lips, the sensation of falling is back, muffled voices around him and something dried under his nose.

“He’s back, he’s out, Hugh!” hands on his shoulders, holding him down as he struggles to sit up, when was he laid down? They say more but he doesn’t listen, it takes all his effort to blink against the sudden brightness, the light in the room, to make sense of the faces, there is a face and he knows it but his brain is slow to catch up. There is no ash here, but Elnor is, he knows he is here and he needs to see him, see that he is okay. The talking doesn’t stop, that he has to struggle to sit up doesn’t stop. Like there is lead in his bones, and he shakes his head and shoves them away as best as he can which is not much

“Elnor, is he okay? Has he made it?” His voice gives out in between, hoarse and rough like his coughs are, he rolls to his side, maybe someone helps, and coughs his throat free, blood on his hand, his face, disgusting but it doesn’t taste like ash. Elnor. He needs to see if he is okay, if he woke up

“Not yet, stay down, don’t get up” He ignores whoever talks and gets himself back to a sitting position, hands, previously trying to hold him down, now supporting, everything turns and shakes but he only looks to the bed, only to where Elnor is still unmoving. He sees blood under his nose too and instinctively wipes at his own, how it seeped into the pillow, and for a brief moment he wonders what happened here, but it’s over when suddenly, with a gasp, Elnor’s eyes fly open. Once again, Hugh breaks free from whoever holds him, really free this time, and stumbles over to him, not even feeling his legs or feet, over to grab his hand, get his attention when he coughs and green splatters his lips, but for some reason, that is okay, for some reason, he knows it doesn’t hurt.

“You’re okay” he whispers hoarsely, from tears and exhaustion, from all that happened, tired and relieved, “you’re back” He gets no answer other than what could be a smile by someone who is too tired to even move his facial muscles, but it’s enough, “you’re back…” He lets him close his eyes, of course, he must be feeling worse than Hugh is, and when he thinks about how bad he actually feels, it’s a miracle how he could ignore it for so long. He can’t anymore. His arms hurt from holding him upright, they shake, his legs too - sleeping on the floor doesn’t actually sound so bad when he thinks about it, just that he doesn’t actually think - he just lets it happen. He  _ feels _ his knees give out under him and doesn’t even try to catch himself. It’s pointless when his prefered direction is actually down, and when he just wants to remain anything but upright. He lay on the floor before, so going back shouldn’t be so hard. Then he is falling, just falling and falling, it feels like he is only falling, even when he doesn’t reach the floor, but the voices and touch are so far away. How can he still fall? He tries to keep their hands linked, but he can’t. When he blinks he can’t even see Elnor anymore, and he blinks again and the face is back, talking. The grey world around him blurs in and out of focus, he is distinctly aware that someone is half dragging, half carrying him somewhere else. He hears himself protest because Elnor, Elnor needs to be there too - but finds he can’t any longer, when the next thing he knows is someone putting him down on something. Soft. He thinks about how he is still covered in ash and how he’ll get everything dirty and then how that’s not real but his exhaustion is, and then that thinking is hard and he should really stop. The voice says something but she is so far away now. She, Seven. There is something about her probably wanting to kill him, but apparently, she can wait for now. Convenient, sleep now, killing later. Fine with him as long as he gets to sleep first, they can do everything she wants later. A heavy weight, a blanket, at pat on his shoulder, before the world turns completely dark. 

* * *

It’s Seven of Nine who is fast enough to react when Hugh’s legs give out from under him. It’s no surprise, really.

She carefully slips an arm around his shoulders, nodding to Soji who is busy with Elnor. Hugh is, by whatever miracle, still conscious, not as much as either of them would like, probably, but not a dead weight. He wiped the blood off his nose and it’s on his hand, but they’ll care for that later.

“Come on,” she mumbles, “you did more than enough” He doesn’t answer, but blinks sluggishly when she half-drags, half-supports him out of the room. He’s tired, she knows how bone-deep tired. Linking with someone in that way, she can only imagine how much it took out of him, both of them. They were gone for half of the day, over fifteen hours by now. Hugh at least is used to the connection still, she wonders how the kid will react to it. 

“Where are we going, we can’t just… leave” He protests weakly but Seven just sighs and adjusts her grip.

“Elnor will be fine for five minutes without you, and you are no good to him dead on your feet” While he isn’t even really on his feet. She is glad that his room is literally two doors down the hallway. This way, she can deposit him here and then find a way to get Elnor over there too, but the room is still busy and Hugh is, at least in her opinion, in no condition to even look at busy people. Is she pissed? Incredibly, yes. But it’s not the time for that.

“Have to stay-” She rolls her eyes. So much drama. Thinking like that prevents her worry from breaking through. Hugh doesn’t look very stable, if he could she would shake him until he finally understood how incredibly stupid that had been. Reckless, even. She still wants to shake him already. Doesn’t, though. He’d probably just pass out and then she’d have to carry him, no, thank you. 

“You have to rest. Elnor too” contrary to her short answers, she is careful when she lowers him to sit on the bed. It feels familiar, but she doesn’t allow herself to think about it. It takes no effort to pull off Hugh’s shoes, he practically falls over where he sits, she carefully catches him, however, so his head actually lands on the pillow and his legs are on the bed too. He is still awake, somehow.

“No… We need…” 

“Later, Hugh. Later” she drapes the covers over him and pats his shoulder before stepping back. He is out like a light before she even sits down on the bed. Because no, she is not leaving yet. Hugh is stubborn, the same way he stubbornly clung to life after the incident on the Artifact, the same stubbornness that made him such a good director. It’s the way he cares about people - Elnor vowed to protect them openly, and Hugh did the same, just without ever admitting it. In her opinion, those two are a good match, like pieces of a puzzle, but it’s not like she would tell them. Or maybe she will. Right now, her concerns are different and she gets a cloth to wipe the blood of Hugh’s face. When his nose started to bleed again, an hour before he woke up, they put him from the chair down to the floor. She had worried before, but at this point, it had been the worst. It didn’t stop for some time, and even after the same happened to Elnor a short while later, it did not stop. She can’t really get it out of her head - the brain activity, spinking in a way she knew was bad, his heartbeat so fast she was prepared for him to go into cardiac arrest. Still, her question remains. What happened in there? She wishes she knew. Without asking, of course. He doesn’t wake up the slightest when she wipes his face clean, but his breathing is normal again, his pulse too. She checks multiple times. Too many unknown valuables. She’ll never stop caring for him, even if she wishes she could. Not just about him, about anyone. 

Seven only leaves the room when she is certain Hugh is sleeping, when she is sure he won’t get up, breaking his neck in the process, only then she goes back to the others. The kid is a whole other matter. When she first met him, she has to admit now, he was annoying in every way, only speaking the truth, always saying what is on his mind. A sword! But there are a lot more reasons she made sure to not even have one positive feeling about him, and in the end, nothing really helped. Like an unwritten rule, that everyone had to like Elnor. He reminded her of someone she once knew, on a ship and far away, for years then. And a few people she should get in contact with again and will, after this is over. She aches for it, when she looks around the room. Her eyes land on the kid in the middle of it. She prefers his blue clothes to the white ones he is now wearing, but that is the least of their concerns. Soji and Altain are comparing data, Jurati does something too, the situation doesn’t seem like anyone is in immediate danger of dying soon. It bothers her that the room is so crowded, Soji and her managed it on their own just fine, didn’t they? Alright, they did not, for the most part, yes, but even if they are just here to worry… She can’t exactly tell them to be wrong here, can she? Elnor has some color back on his cheeks and after making sure she had been right and nobody is dying right now, she puts all concern aside. She needs a drink. Or maybe two. And a damn connection to earth, even if it kills her.

* * *

Waking up is slow. He is dragged upwards, where sensations come back to him one by one. From the weight of the blanket to their softness, to his fingertips that are touching warm skin, and finally making him open his eyes. 

Elnor is next to him, flat on his back and he looks placed, but he is here. And breathing, alive, warm. He blinks to look, but he is sleeping, just like that. Just sleeping. Their hands only just touch, Elnor doesn’t grasp his, they are not holding onto each other. But they touch.

Hugh looks at their fingers until he falls asleep again.

* * *

He drags his eyes open again and wishes he didn’t a moment later. Light filters into the room, his head hurts. His throat is dry as sandpaper and the taste of iron still lingers in his mouth. Someone must have changed his clothes, he realizes when he looks ahead and sees his sleeve, one of his hands gripping Elnor’s wrist, the other on his pillow. He doesn’t want to move, not-moving is comfortable, soft. But he needs to. Elnor hasn’t moved, apparently not woken up yet, but a strange feeling of safety lingers in the back of his head. It’s alright. 

“I hope you realize how stupid that was” He presses his face into the pillow. It’s Seven who sits there, frowning at him, “What did I say about pulling stunts when I’m not there?” Hugh puts his free hand over his face and then down on the mattress, in an attempt to sit up and look at her. He doesn’t want to have this conversation while lying down. He regrets waking up even more now

“No, you stay right there. I’m not finished with you. You’ve become a little reckless lately, am I the bad influence or is it Elnor?” He shifts upwards, but just enough to look at her without a pillow in the way.

“Why does it have to be a bad one?” She raises her eyebrows at his voice and seems to take pity on him. His hand only trembles a little, and he pretends to oversee the way her hand lingers for a moment to make sure he has a proper grip on it.   
  
“You managed to nearly-die three times in the past weeks now, I wouldn’t call that good, to be honest” He half expects her to take a swig out of a bottle to underline the statement, but she just shakes her head, “You could have gotten stuck in there, you do know that?” He almost tells her that he did, that he got lost two times actually, but has the feeling it’d just make it worse    
“Then you would both have been… As good as dead. Entering a collective again, you could have lost your… you all over again” That’s a bit harsh. Elnor and him, it hadn’t been a collective. Not really.   
  
“Otherwise I would have lost Elnor, and there is no ‘could’ in there” He looks to his left. Seven is not talking particularly loud, and Elnor shows no sign of waking up. 

“He would have lost his mind, locked in there, I couldn’t have lived with that. Not after everything he did for me. And it was bad enough as it was” he looks back at her, “maybe it was my turn now”

“But maybe do me a favor and don’t get yourself killed, okay? People I care about have an awful habit of doing so” 

“I can try”

“You could have told me -or anyone, besides Soji”

“You wouldn’t have let me. And I didn’t think it would go this way, and…”

“You didn’t want anyone to find out about the Nanos” That’s the key. He knows he has to explain it properly when he is more awake maybe, and when everything is a little less tiring

“At the moment, it was the only option, I couldn't let him die. And there was no power, I couldn’t even locate the inner bleeding. I knew we had to find a way to get them out later, but for the moment, it was the only solution I had” he starts anyway.

“You are right,” she sighs, “I wouldn’t have let you do this. Not alone, at least. I just wish you’d trusted me more” She is right, of course. If anyone… She would have understood. He still doesn’t regret not telling her, even if he feels like a scolded child right now. In a lot of ways, since he is not exactly up for fighting and even getting up sounds ridiculous. Just curling up under the blankets sounds well enough for now, he won’t explain or talk back, even if he maybe should. Or maybe not. What does he know.

“But I understand why you did it. And in some way, you did the right thing in the end”

“Then they did what they were supposed to” He looks over to Elnor again and relaxes into the pillows. They are alright, in the end. Everything else has to wait, as little as he can believe it, but it has to. The whole world if it’s not ending. How is he still exhausted? Should- “Wait, the Nanos-”

“Dead” Seven simply states, “Completely. I hope whatever you plan to do in the future won’t involve them, because there is no way they can be useful for anything ever again” Oh. But that means...

“So, that is why they disappeared” It makes sense. Knowledge disappearing. And the Nanos being dead now, after they said, they were his way out. 

“Sorry?” He taps his fingers against his glass again and smiles a little

“Knowledge. They said they were not allowed to help me, they did so anyway and dissolved then. It’s actually… sad that they are gone” So they really were what they said they were, their knowledge combined with the Nanos. And the latter always had an interest in keeping both of them alive. It’s etched into them, their core, to keep the organism alive. Combined… It even made a person”

“...right” He startles, how could he forget that Seven is still here?, “sorry, I don’t think you are actually lucid right now, so we’ll talk later” How must he sound? Like a maniac, most likely, to anyone but himself.

“I am lucid enough, thank you very much” 

“That’s debatable. Especially after sleeping like a dead man for 48 hours” Outch.

“Two days?!” She picks the glass from his hands and puts it away and he is too perplexed to do anything about it, much to Seven’s amusement as he can see from her face.

“We can add the 15 hours you were in another person’s mind to that if you want to” He missed almost three days? No, that can’t be true. Would explain the change of clothes, however. There are a lot of missed days in between now. 

“It’s fine, nobody died, nothing happened. Apart from everyone making a lot of drama about the two of you and being worried sick. Not me, of course”

“Of course” He laughs quietly at that. Not caring at all, of course.

* * *

He wakes one morning to see Elnor looking at him. He doesn’t even realize that he sees him too at first, too distracted by how he actually looks. He’s seen it before, the symmetry of his face, his eyes, his beautiful eyes. But never really looked at him, never dared to. Now the sunlight is on his hair, he has his head on the bed, not the pillow, and he only now realizes he would look directly into the sun. He could have turned his head away, but didn’t. He looks at Hugh, and he smiles, a tired smile. His eyes don’t light up as much as they normally do, it’s not only tired in that way. Exhausted. And still, there is so much waiting to be unpacked and talked through and so much reassurance Hugh wants to give him. So much he wants to say. So much they need to talk about

“You know that I love you” how he whispers that shakes Hugh out of his thoughts, and he only now actually processes that Elnor is awake too. It’s not proposed as a question. He has seen it, Hugh told him, and he remembers. 

“I do” he whispers back, “I know it, for some time now” he carefully extends a hand and strokes a strand of hair from Elnor’s forehead behind his ear. It’s not exhaustion that makes his fingers tremble, not anymore. He’s had days in between and only stays in the room for Elnor, even if he has to admit that he is still sleeping a lot. But that’s a different story.

“You didn’t say anything”

“I couldn’t find the right time” He swallows and closes his eyes. It’s too late now anyway. He’s already said it, and if it feels like a dream to Elnor, he should know it’s true, “to tell you. Or to say it back”

“You told me”   
  
“So you remember?” Elnor nods and somehow Hugh knows that he remembers everything. Just like he did before. It doesn’t bother him.

“Yes… And no. You showed me, I thought… I wasn’t sure. I wanted to ask but…”    
  
“There just wasn’t the right time. I know” He moves his hand to rest on Elnor’s cheek, “We have a weird relationship with time” 

“We have” Elnor agrees quietly and suddenly, Hugh realizes how utterly ridiculous that is.

“Oh, definitely. Given that you slept for almost a week, time is a good point” Elnor’s shocked face is likely the same Seven had to laugh about when she told Hugh about his 48-hour-nap, “it’s fine. You needed it. And it’s not like I’ve been the role model of a healthy sleep schedule for… or even ever” 

“You have seen… A lot of memories” Elnor sighs after a pause, “I wish I could have shown you the good ones” Hugh smiles sadly. So he did notice him walking around there. So he did relive all of them. It’s a topic they need to have one day. Hugh can’t simply  _ forget _ . But not now.

“You can tell me about them, one day. I’d like to hear all of it. The good and the bad ones” Elnor closes his eyes again and Hugh knows he is on the verge of falling asleep again, “Everything you are comfortable with me knowing about”

“I am not sure if we have the time for it” Do they? When will they leave? And the xBs? He’s been racking his brain for what to do in the last days, only to come to the conclusion that, well, he still doesn’t know how to proceed. He has an idea, but it feels selfish and cruel, though it’s likely none of these things.

“Don’t be so sure of that” he just answers and stares at the ceiling.

* * *

Seven gives him a talk in the end. She promised to do so and he had been prepared. She took over the role of an older sister long ago, even though it’s mostly because she is taller and drinks more. He doesn’t judge, she does, however. It doesn’t go as he thought it would, but the message is short and clear and… right. She knows how to play her cards and push the right buttons.

_ All I’m asking is that you maybe stop living for everyone else for some time, and do it for yourself. Travel around, visit some planets. Visit earth. You don’t have to leave forever, on the contrary. But maybe… go have some fun in the meantime. And learn. You’ll always be better when you come back and had the chance to improve. You can’t protect them forever, and they are safer here than anywhere else. With no bias. The synths are closer to them than anyone. Let them have this. All I’m asking is that you think about it - coming back here is always an option, but dreaming of the sky and letting the chance to go there pass? You have someone who loves you in there, and letting him go? There is no coming back from that, believe me”  _

That’s not all of it. There is a new buzzing in his mind. Stronger, but different, not bad, however. He can’t hear the echo of thoughts, the outlines of words, he feels them. It’s tiny pieces of knowledge, maybe even Knowledge themselves, he can’t possibly have. Sentences Elnor ends for him or the other way around. It’s the smell of something a flower he doesn’t know that makes him feel nostalgic for no apparent reason, when he first notices. And it’s a few days later when Elnor hums something he can’t possibly have heard before when they are outside that he knows for sure. He doesn’t say it yet, though. Elnor is recovering well, it didn’t break him as they feared it would, but the wound and everything that happened on the planet and before is still catching up to all of them. He knows Picard is getting used to the fact he has a new body now. And Jurati and Rios have a love affair, which he doesn’t completely understand. He takes Seven’s advice, of course he does, and spends time with the xBs. Sometimes Elnor is there too, but they don’t feel him, he observes, and he doesn’t seem to notice them. So it’s just him? 

Of course, it’s not hard to solve this. He doesn’t even need to talk it through with Seven. Their connection, their link stayed, partly. It means the Nanos in Elnor are somewhat active, the same way they are in Hugh’s body. They echo to each other now, Elnor feels it too. It doesn’t seem to bother him, even when he brings it up later.

“I don’t want to … invade your privacy like that”

“Does it bother you?” 

“Not… not really. It’s just… I just feel you. That is all” Elnor takes his hand and turns it around. There is no hesitation, there hasn’t been for some time now. He traces the circular scar on his wrist, goes further to the ones along his arm and presses down lightly on the remnants that are still there, under his skin. Hugh shivers slightly at the contact, but it doesn’t hurt, it’s not… bad. They are just there.

“It’s a part of you, all of this” His other hand comes to rest on his cheek and he does what he does so often, carefully touching the implants still merged to Hugh’s skin, “every piece of it is part of you. If you trust me with it, I want to be part of it” Hugh looks at him and nods, takes a moment and does so again. He trusts Elnor. Fully. With all of himself. So for the first time, he purposely reaches for the echo in his mind and sends that sensation along with it. A string of slow and soft emotions, he touches it and tries to show Elnor what he feels. 

And Elnor smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this last part of the series :)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last part of this series which... is kind of weird? Especially considering that I started working on this before I even finished Rocks halfway through. It's a little differently written than the other parts - I hope it's not too confusing, but Hugh is so confused and it will get better. It's only the first two chapters written that way, however. Anyway, so I hope you liked it and please consider leaving a comment or/and a heart :)


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